At This Point, I'll Take An Evap - (Nevermind, not anymore!)

And Now They're TWO!

2010-07-17T13:44:00.002-04:00

Oops, has it really been this long? I doubt I have any readers left...but for the sake of journaling...

The twins turned 2 a month and a half ago. They are definitely two now, as their behavior is demonstrating!

The day after their bday party I started potty training E. It took a day to click and after about a week she was an old pro, just during the day of course...I'm not ambitious to try anything other than a diaper at night. She can almost always get through her nap without getting wet. She just woke up one day and started asking to go on the potty all the time so I knew she was ready. I knew O wasnt' ready but he did show a couple times he was interested. So while the babysitter was on vacation i tried...after 9 days or so, I gave up, he just wouldn't go without me asking. And the constant poop in the undies...ewww!!! The last few days though he has done things like when I change his diaper he will interrupt me and tell me he has to go potty and he will go. So those things make me think he's ready...but I think I'll wait a bit before trying again. Mom does like the cost of half the diapers!

Their speech is right where it should be, I hope. I do worry about it. E is putting short sentences together like "me shirt orange"...O is more of a phrase copier "What are you doing" yet couldn't have come up with that w/o hearing it from someone else first. He is pretty hard to understand too unless you know what to listen for.

I do find myself getting meaner and meaner towards them...I hate it...they are just so frustrating! Timeouts do work for the most part.
I do think they watch too much TV which bugs me...but when you're home with them from 6am til 8pm...there's just not a whole lot to do...I am so not creative...we do finger paints, playdoh, pretend picnics, etc...but all of that gets old after awhile! I hate HOT weather, so if its too hot I con them into coming inside.

We converted to toddler beds the other night. The first night or two was rough but now it's really not a whole lot different. E has been having issues sleeping lately and it's driving me nuts. IT's like having a newborn! This happened prior to our toddler bed conversion so I don't know whats up. She wakes up all sorts of times in the night and cries for us. It's hard to just let her cry only because O will wake up if we let it go on too long. Not sure if she is scared of the dark or what...I just want it to end!

It's so much fun having two at this age...yet so much work. They are constantly destroying everything and I can't keep up. Come nap time all I can think about is napping myself. I still work two days a week and really appreciate the break. I keep saying I'm going to get some newbie babysitters in here to play with them for the day while I get stuff done but I haven't done that yet.

I did lose 40 lbs since Jan. which I'm stoked about! I have more to go but its gotten so hard since summer started.

I still haven't started my baby books yet. How sad am I?
I don't read to the kids nearly enough anymore, because they fight too much over which book to read and if the other one doesnt agree they dont let me read it too easily... I wish I had more one on one time with each of them....not enough of me to go around.

We still have our 3 frozens awaiting us. If I lose my job anytime soon the plan is to use them as soon as we can...if we can hang onto them til the kids are in preschool or Kindergarten even better...I honestly dont know how much Id want a second set of twins...call me Kate but I just want to know what ONE is like...

Almost 18 months!

2009-11-23T22:22:00.003-05:00

I wish I had the words to blog more often. Pregnancy fried my brain. Motherhood destroyed it. My mind just doesn't function like it should. I've made numerous big mistakes at work in the last few weeks which have led to the words "fired" so someone overheard and passed along to my attention. I packed my bag, and have it discreetly underneath my desk...just in case....much less embarassing being walked out when you don't have to pack and cry for a few minutes before departure!

Otherwise, my "babies" are almost 18 months. Every day I see them do something new, say something new, get a concept I wouldn't think a "baby" could get. I'm not ready to accept they aren't babies anymore. Didn't I just give birth??
I have been getting more brave. We went to the library last week. We got a good hour of play in til they realized books could be ripped off the shelves, blinds could be messed with, and things could be thrown around. But hey, they had a new experience and that's what I'm trying to do for them. It's so easy for me to get in the rut of staying home all day, not even making it outside. I am the first to admit I am lazy, and fat, very fat. I am 20 lbs. heavier than I was a year ago. I just don't have the motivation to lose it. I am 50 lbs heavier than where I should be, I just wish I cared more. Every Sunday I intend to diet Monday, and every Monday I decide to wait a week. Ugh!

O got another ear infection but I asked the ped if we could just do ea.r dro.ps, no anti.bi.otics since he's been on so many. His tubes at least do the job of draining the infection so he's not in pain when he gets these. The drops blew the infection away so now at least I know we can do drops and not subject him to yet another anti.bi.iotic. E continues to be healthy other than a yeast infection we fought for awhile. Now it seems to come back in more of a little rash that I can kick w/o the yeast cream. I think its a reaction to acidic foods. Poor kids gotta avoid all the goods! We do feed O certain things, like he had cake this weekend at a baby shower, and a piece of cake a couple weeks ago at a bday party. No reaction. So the whole eg.g thing is just confusing.

The kids personalities continue to develop. I thought E would be my big troublemaker and O would just follow her lead. Nope, WRONG-O! Totally opposite. E doesn't like getting in trouble, although she is very sneaky when she does cause trouble. O just does it right in front of me. Flashes me the "smile" and then just does it. He isn't as keen on listening like she is. He is quite a sweetheart though, loves to give E hugs and kisses when she's sad. Her, not so much. He is good at sharing, she is not, unless she gets something out of it.
They are just SO different, and SO much fun!

My house is even messier than when I worked FT. And I don't care. There is nothing like every day being like the previous day, because it makes me feel like its another long day where I get to teach them things, get lots of hugs and kisses, and just watch them. They are my little miracles and even after all this time, I am still afraid this is a cruel dream and I'm going to wake up from it.

16 months!

2009-10-04T21:35:00.002-04:00

Woops, it's been 2 months?

The last month has been the greatest month yet. I am finally part-time and loving it. I get a little cranky when I know I'm going to work the next day, which is pathetic since I only work two days a week! I wish I had made this change in my life sooner. I am having a blast with the kids. They just turned 16 mo. old yesterday and as usual, this is my new favorite age. The speed at which they learn new things is amazing!

Since the last post O had tubes put in his ears. He did have an ear infection soon after, but none since. E has a yeas.t infection which doesn't seem to be going away with the prescribed ointment. It's almost gone but it's still lingering. I usually blow on her vajay.jay to dry her before applying the cream, so now O thinks he should help out with the task. I'm sure the babysitter is a little confused since I never told her to do any blowing. So when O comes over there, I'm sure she thinks we have some weird things going on at home. As for the babysitter, we like her, don't know her well enough to love her. At least at the daycare I could look on the whiteboard and see what they did every day. I have no clue what my kids do there. I miss my print out that says they had X number of poops, this is the time they ate, they went outside today, etc. Oh well, small price to pay! We also had to switch pediatricians since we switched to DH's insurance. So far I am pretty happy with the new place and doctor. It's 3 minutes from my house so if I have to take them on a day off, it's a quick drive. I also had to get a new OB which broke my heart because I really trusted mine, but this new one is way more sociable and we really clicked. So all in all, this big life change has turned out to be a good thing all around.

We also got O aller.gy tested, and he is all.ergic to eggs severly, and peanuts moderately. The peanuts is much easier to get around. It's amazing what has eggs in it. Yesterday I accidentally gave him noodles that had egg in it and he threw up twice that evening. I felt terrible. We are using S.oy N.ut butter as a PB replacement and that works well for PB&Js. So far he has had the short end of the stick when it comes to health compared to E.

I was just thinking today how I really, REALLY love having twins. I would say I did NOT feel this way the first few months. It's hard, so incredibly hard. But at this age, they can walk where they need to go. Of course one is destined to run in the street, but eventually we all end up where we need to be. Going places with them alone is a challenge, so we don't do much of it. The backyard is sometimes an adventure in itself. The kids are so smart! They don't talk tons yet, but the words are forming. I thought for sure E would be the first to spew out words, but O actually has a bigger vocabulary. They both LOVE to dance! We do swim class one day a week and music another, both activites they really enjoy. My favorite times are the mornings. After they get up at 6:30 (Mom is showered, dress, and ready to take on the world at this point), they like to drag their blankets out and just sit on Mom's lap for some cuddle time. I cherish that time SO much. I know one day they won't be doing this anymore, so I make sure to cherish every minute. It's hard to get anything done when they're up, so my house isn't picked up yet to the point where I can sit and relax. Every day it's re-picking up the same stuff as yesterday. I'm getting better in this part-time SAHM position. In the beginning all I wanted to do was nap. Sometimes I still do, if I've earned it!

Well, the only two people who read this are on my FB so putting pictures would be pointless :) There are too many cute ones to pick from anyway!

Any Readers Left? (and an update)

2009-08-01T22:09:00.002-04:00

Just wondering if anyone still reads this!?!?

Things are a'changing around here! About a month ago, I had a day off with the kids. Just me and the kids, no Dad. We spent quite a bit of time outside. We had a blast. The next day at work I was a royal BITCH! I didn't know why. Figured I just hated my job, hated the changes going on at work. Then it dawned on me. Duh...I miss my kids. My hours have changed for the worse recently so they are in daycare from 7:30 til 5:20. That's a long time. Now that DH works out of town, it's hard to get the kids any earlier. So I am feeling really guilty about that as well. I never see them. The weekends come, and there is too much to do. DO I clean or play with the kids? Do I want a stinky house or fun with the kids? So anyway, I had a thought. How about I quit! I told DH in an email I was thinking about being a SAHM. Now that he has a new job, he has better benefits. His last job the bennies sucked, so I wouldn't have had this opportunity. Well, he said we needed to talk about it at home, but he didn't say no. That night, I cried like I had never cried. Ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but I cried a LOT. It was such an emotional decision. I started surfing SAHM boards, got myself all worked up and excited! At work I told a couple of people. One was a SAHM for 9 years to her three kids. She was totally on board, and said I would never regret it, no matter how hard it was for me to get back into the working world. The other person really wanted to be a SAHM but was in a bad position in her marriage and she felt she had to keep working. She was also rooting me on. The pressure mounted, and I went to talk to HR. We are a smaller company, 200 people or so, and Ive been there 6 years. The HR person burst into tears and said I couldn't quit. I couldnt believe I actually said the words "I am quitting". It was so weird, I've never quit a job before!
She told me I was making a very rash decision and to please think about it. Lucky for me she was also PT when her kids were small. She asked if I'd be willing to work part-time. I said no, but after a few minutes of talking, I realized that might be something I should do for financial safety and just in case DH loses his job again.
So the rumor started flying around work. I told my supervisor who has been PT for 15 years. Coincidentally she is coming back FT at the end of August after all of these years. She was upset that I hadnt talked to her about it first, but honestly I knew she'd be freaked out at the thought of it since her and I make such a good team. She was on board with it and knows it will be an adjustment for my team. The word got around and I had so much support at work. I think most people were surprised I didn't do this sooner, and I wish I had, but like I said - we needed good bennies.

So yeah, at the end of August - I will be a PT Mommy! Only 2 days a week. I might even need those two days as a break. So now I have to find childcare. Unfortunately I LOVE the center we're at, just love it. I was so glad we got back in after Dh got his new job. Well, it would be $800 a month...so $50/day per kid. That's a lot. I can go to an in home for half. And since I wont be bringing in tons of cash, we need all the money we can get. So I am on the hunt. So far I have one offer and I am meeting with her Monday. I didn't fall in love with her over the phone but maybe it'll be different in person. At first I was looking for a place where the sitter was going to teach my kids things, etc etc. I cant find anyone like that. So my thought is that is my place to teach them this stuff, and those two days can be for play.

Other than that, not much new. We did get a mini-van from my SIL. It is 9 years old and a lot of miles but it rides great. I don't think I can go back now.

As for the kids, I am worried about Mr. O. He started with a double ear infection a couple weeks ago. 10 days of amox.ic.illin did nothing to it. He started on a new one Monday, and on Tuesday he started with a rash and by Wednesday he was covered in hives. So my little boy was very ill, he was stuck to me. He was a furnace, crying constantly, could barely move. I was so pissed off at his doctor, she told me it could be han.d foo.t and mouth, but SERIOUSLY! It was 2 days of antiobiotics and BOOM! She should have had me come right in. We are switching peds anyway since I have to switch networks. SO anyway, he has fluid in his year, so they are talking tubes. His ear seems like it's finally getting better.
As for E, she continues to be cute and healthy, and bossy.

They are both not walking yet and they are almost 14 months. I am not too worried since they are both so close. Honestly, I am dreading them running in separate directions. It's bad enough now.
They are starting to say more things, not much, but some. They really understand things now and it freaks me out. Go get your bunny, they get their bunny. Go put that away, they put it away. It's awesome! I love this age. So much fun watching them absorb.

Well that's all I got. One more month...and I actually get to enjoy my kids.

Warning: Gushing Ahead

2009-07-06T21:10:00.002-04:00

I've had 4 days off in a row. I took advantage of the beautiful weather and did a lot of outdoors stuff with the kids. I *REALLY* needed the breather from work as my job has gotten so stressful. I contemplate quitting on an hourly basis. We did parks, zoo, fireworks, backyard, etc. I couldn't have asked for better temps (high 70s with a breeze!!). Today as the kids and I were playing outside, I couldn't help but smile every few seconds. See, today O had his eye surg.ery to open up his tear duct. It was so nervewracking when they took him away. I tried to read a magazine but just couldn't concentrate. Then the doctor comes back, with a grim look on his face. I thought for sure they were going to tell me he was gone. But he's like "your son did great, we were able to clear the obstruction..." etc etc!!! My son's eye looks AWESOME. No more goop collecting around the eye. WAHOO!!!! Such a simple surgery, no need to worry. He was gone for 15 short minutes. I wish I had done it sooner. He has been a happy little boy today. I'm so sad about going back to work tomorrow. For some reason I'm so much less stressed out when DH isn't around and I'm with the kids by myself. I really enjoy being the do-it-all Mom. I cooked today for the first time in MONTHS. MONTHS people, MONTHS. Working full-time does not allow for me to do much of anything. Mostly because I'd rather NOT cook, and spend the time doing something with the kids.

These babies are too precious. Still not walking yet but O is SO close. E is starting to get brave and is crawling over obstacles. She did have an accident today, falling off the couch. Totally my fault but I was a busy mom taking cute pictures. Lucky for her, the pee-filled diaper allowed her to do a little bounce, causing no injury. I screamed of course, which I know is NOT the thing to do but I can't help it in those situations.
O wakes up and pushes his rain forest soother. So when I hear the rainforest I know O's up. He doesn't cry, doesn't make a peep. E on the other hand, I find her standing at the end of the crib in full-out panic mode. E has been throwing tantrums lately, can't help but think they're cute. She crawls away really fast and throws herself on her belly and flails her arms and legs. O's style is more spread his legs and throw his head down and cry. They are being a TOTAL pain when it comes to changing diapers and clothes. It's impossible now and when I have such little time in the morning before daycare it becomes a real pain. Brushing teeth is also now impossible. It's funny because they hit these phases at the same time usually. I guess it makes sense being that they are always around each other. O is now going up to E and putting his arm around here and hugging her. It's too cute.

I am so in love with these kids. I never have enough time with them...and they only are young once :(

Welcome to Toddlerhood

2009-06-27T09:26:00.005-04:00

Wow, you'd think things would get eaiser! And they do, but other things just get harder. They are not walking yet but I think Owen's close. They crawl all over, get into trouble, just like toddlers should. But damn if it's not exhausting!

So I am torn. I scheduled O for clo.gg.ed tear duct probing surgery on July 6th. It sounds like it's quick and usually effective. I am sick of his eye constantly tearing up, collecting goop etc. People constantly think I'm not treating him for an eye infection. And people just don't believe me when I explain what it is. Ugh.

O has quite the fascination with hitting his sister and puling her hair....Hehehe he is spanking her butt right now, which is pretty cute. They both constantly want Mom's attention, how am I supposed to blog?

I have been having more dreams lately about being pregnant. I think it's because a few of the blogs I follow have IF women falling pregnant naturally after their first one is about a year. I can't even chance it, I would then be more torn on my frozens and I really want to use my frozens. I just wouldn't feel right doing anything else. I really miss being pregnant, I don't even remember that time. Seems like it was someone else and I was watching from the outside.

The kids went swimming for the last time last weekend. It was adorable, water was freezing and they didn't seem to mind as much as Dad and I.

I feel bad but I am shipping the kids off to grandma's this afternoon (she lives across the street). I need to get stuff done around here. It's amazing how unproductive one can be with two toddlers. The minute I leave their sight its time to chase me/cry/usually both.
I have no time after work to do anything. I have been feeling increasingly guilty about working while my kids sit in daycare from 7:30am til 5:15pm. We are going to possibly try something at work where I can get out at 4:30 sometimes which helps a little but not much.
It just kills me knowing their daycare providers spend more time with them than me.
It doesn't help with my DH commuting now for his job...just puts more burden on me.

The kids are still not really saying anything legible other than the usual mama,dada, and O saying UP. I hope it's too early to worry.
As I've said before, I want to be DONE with therapy. They are done with occupational and physical is down to once or twice a month and only with E. She pulls herself up, walks along furniture etc like O does, but she isn't as brave. Pediatrician is making us stick it out til they are both walking which is fine.

I hate that I am not completely satisfied with two kids. I don't want that to be my one and only experience with being pregnant, giving birth, etc. Everything was so new the first time, it was such a whirlwind.

You'd think more exciting things would happen in my life. But it's really just work, play with kids, sleep...The kids fight constantly but once in awhile they rub their heads together and smile...its the sweetest!

We are driving to MN in a few weeks....6 hours in the car with two 1 yr olds...I'm scared.
I also am dying for a mini-van. We have NO room in my car. IF we bring the stroller, forget a suitcase...The stroller takes up the whole trunk. It's so cluttered. There are a couple for sale around here, but that money is our finish the basement money. And I really want that done so I don't feel so cluttered in my house. But I want a mini-van. Dammit!

They're 1 !!!!

2009-06-03T21:22:00.003-04:00

I know everyone asks this...but where did the time go? A year ago, from this moment, I was probably figuring out the whole breastfeeding thing, trying one more time before I went to bed ...for a measly 2 hours of sleep. Oh my GOSH I shiver at the thought of the evil nurses coming into my room every 2 hours to breastfeed. I am so exhausted just thinking about it. I do not miss the lack of sleep days. I enjoy my full 8 hours on a nightly basis! I need them, emphasis on need.

So today at daycare they got party hats. My husband started a new job a few weeks ago so they went back to daycare...Unfortunately E is having a very hard time adjusting and bawls her eyes out when I leave. I am in near tears everyday because I feel horrible. When I come pick them up, she sees me and instantly goes into panic mode and comes after me, she thinks I might leave her :( I SO wish I could be a SAHM. But I can't quit a nice paying job (although I strongly strongly dislike my career and my job lately) when my husband has only been at his a few weeks. Too risky. So now my life is a little more hectic. DH is 50 minutes away, so I am stuck doing all the dropping off and picking up which is pretty much what it was before, BUT if I got stuck at work he was a phone call and 10 min away from the babies. The other day I was an hour away at training and as soon as I got there the cell rang and it was daycare saying E's feet were swollen, so they thought. I didn't know what to do, but to make a long story short everything was fine but I felt awful with both of us being "far" away.

They are having a safari themed birthday party on Sunday with family and a couple friends. I have a wedding on Saturday which makes Sunday a lot more complicated, it's at my sister's house, not here. Mine is way too messy and nasty to have company.

What else...I don't know, I guess I've gotten all nostalgic lately with them getting off the bottle, no more formula etc. Everytime a "big" change is made, I get super sad. Every new stage is as fun as the last, but I already miss my "babies" because...well, they aren't babies anymore! O is walking along furniture, E isn't, but we're working on it. They both passed out of their occupational therapy, and O should be passing out of his physical therapy next time. Now that they are back at daycare they have a never-ending runny nose. I am pretty sick of it! So tomorrow is going to SUCK SUCK SUCK! I have to take the kids in for their 1 yr appt...since the last time they couldn't find the veins for a blood draw, they are probably going to do it tomorrow after their appt, which includes shots. And, well, this is BY MYSELF! Normally DH had off on Fridays at his last job...and now he doesn't...so this is going to be swell.

Wish me luck.

My babies are 1. 4 years ago I would have never pictured myself in this scenario. I can't imagine it being any other way though. 3 more years til frosties!

E is back !!

2009-05-02T20:45:00.004-04:00

Little E was herself today. So either the antiobiotic is doing something OR that tooth popped. I do see a new tooth but can't remember if it was already there. But it's nice to have the giggly lady back.

On a whim today I decided to go out of town with the fam. It's not always fun to go on these types of excursions. Too much to bring along. We get 20 minutes away from the house and DH asked where the diaper bag was. Had to turn around and get it.

I'd also like to make a complaint about carseats. I admit I am no genius, frankly, I am blonde and a little ... well, very much an airhead especially since becoming a Mom. I am pretty sure scientifically, something happens to your brain, because I have no memory anymore and common sense usually goes out the window. So back to the carseat thing. We had Graco Safe.Seats so our kids can still use their carriers, but we wanted to get into something a little more comfy. So we have their new seats, and DH and I read the instructions. I assumed it would all make sense to him, but it didn't. I really whined about wanting them in before we left today. First he tried to figure out the LAT.CH system, which he did. It didn't seem very sturdy. I told him to try with the seat belt instead, and it seemed better. I did a little googling and as it turns out LAT.CH was supposed to make things easier, not necessarily safer. Unfortunately, only 60% of people use it because it's a pain. So we opted to stick with the seatbelt method. Actually I have yet to ever put a carseat in. One time, and I hate to admit this, I was taking my niece home and I had to put her carseat in. I totally jerry-rigged it and it SO wasn't right. I was so nervous the whole drive home but couldn't admit I was too dumb to figure it out. I still have yet to put one in, I just hope and pray we don't move them from my car!

So one of the main objectives of today was to get my ring re-sized. My ring finger, which I jammed back in junior high, is puffier than my other fingers. Well, after having the babies, it somehow got puffier and never went back to normal. I havent worn it since I was about 25 weeks pregnant, and was convinced Id lose the weight and get this thing back on. Since I am a failure at diets, I decided today to suck it up and take it in. Afterwards we go out to eat. Put O in the high chair and he grabs for a plate and whips it to the ground, breaks into a few pieces. Oops! DH is setting E in her high chair and she grabs the plate, but I catch her ready to throw it on the ground. A few minutes later, Ispill my soda. The table next to us thought we were the biggest putzes I am sure. I had 2 different people ask me today how far apart in age they were. Guess people in that city haven't heard of twins. I am always self conscious walking around or eating somewhere, you see a lot of people pointing and you hear the word "twins" as they walk past you. I honestly never knew twins was a big deal, I can't say I've really ever pointed any out. Of course I love having two and wouldn't trade it for the world, guess I was just oblivious to the power of them!

I am with Katie, I would love to write a letter to the inventor of IVF! I actually never even wrote a letter to my doctor thanking him, but I was not in my right mind for awhile after birth. They do throw a picnic every year for the patients and their children, and when I went to that I thanked him and got a picture with him and the kids. He never would take credit anyway, he says "he didn't do anything" which makes no sense. Then who put those embryos back up my vaj-jay-jay? I could have sworn it was him.
It is so hard to imagine that part is behind us. We will never do another fresh cycle. I must say, I never did mind the shots, the appointments, the exams etc. It really wasn't terrible. It was the emotions of waiting everything out, and miscarrying, etc...That I never want to experience again. I still can't go a day without thinking of my frozen triplets and how the heck I'm going to go about putting them back in.

Tonight O finally pulled himself up to his feet instead of his knees. Now he is an addict. E has been pulling herself up on everything too, just to her knees though. It's a start. She is SO close to crawling, but still goes down to her tummy. Can' t pull herself forward yet.

So tomorrow is my 29th b-day. I never can think of anything that I want. What more could I ask for, really?

Crabbiness Abound

2009-04-30T22:12:00.002-04:00

So what is up with my little E? Since Monday, she has not been herself. EXTREMELY crabby. Normally she is jammin to music, smiling, clapping...and now she still does some of that, but she'll sit in the middle of the room and just burst into tears. For.No.Reason. After a few days of this, I thought...maybe she has an ear infection! She is battling a cold lately. So DH takes her in and no...no ear infection...although they did find a little goop in her eye and prescribed antibiotics. They must hand them out like candy. Anyway, they thought maybe that was pissing her off. Doubtful. She did have rancid diapers the last couple of days. So maybe it's a bug? Little O did puke today which is pretty darn rare. So maybe they have some sorta bug that makes their tummy hurt, plus their noses are still running, and maybe they have sore throats...they do have a good cough as well. So little girl is unusually difficult lately. My mom had to babysit for hours today and said she was impossible to please. I did find the key to her happiness today. She digs mirrors, and we have one underneath and behind a coffee table (otherwise they pull it on top of them). Stuck her in front of it and she was happy the rest of the time she was up. Whew.

Mr O is finally crawling...well a.rmy crawling anyway, but hey its crawling!
Emerson is starting to get stronger on her legs, so I am hoping she starts crawling soon too. It's just the people gasping when I say she isnt crawling, and then having to explain. Annoying.

I cannot believe they are about to be a year. I have no clue what a 1 yr old should get for their birthday. Any ideas?

Not a day goes by that I don't reflect and remind myself how lucky I am. I love checking on them before I go to bed. And as I crawl into my bed, I usually smile and think "this is exactly what I wanted".
Thank you IVF!

Can't Get Any Better!

2009-04-18T11:34:00.007-04:00

Hello!! Two posts in one month, pretty good for me!
The babies continue to get cuter, biggier, sillier, etc. I think crawling is finally going to happen soon. The therapists are just so surprised that they aren't. I think it's because they can get around without actual 4 legged crawling.
They are in the midst of an hour nap - this RARELY happens! My DH still has no job so he is a SAHD for now, and I don't think he really digs it. It's just a super long day for anyone, not sure how these people that run in-home daycares do it.

Today we are taking our first trip to the park for a little picnic. I'm hoping they both love the baby swings so I can get some cute pictures. It's finally spring around here, yay!

I still find myself thinking about my frosties. You would seriously thinking after being blessed with two, I would put that in the back of my head for awhile. Oh well, it's actually kind of "fun" to daydream about.

I socked more clothes away today that they don't fit into anymore. Hung up their new summer outfits. I can't wait til they can start wearing them, they're too cute. But a little part of me dies inside (ok thats a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean) when I put the old stuff away.

I feel like this post is all too..........rosy? I was reading some of my old posts, when I was in IF hell. Sad...

I still haven't gotten the babies baptized and my FIL is on us. Religion has been weighing on my mind lately. I am Cath.olic, just got confirmed a couple years ago actually. Family did not grow up in church, my parents ...well I don't know what they are.
So I find myself not fitting in there. I need to church shop or something but who has time for that? Plus the godparents I want for my kids aren't even catho.lic which defeats the whole purpose of having them as godparents...ick...

Oh yeah, and here are their 9 month (well they were almost 10 month) pictures... Cute huh!

10 months and Immobile

2009-03-28T20:19:00.004-04:00

Hello! I don' t think I have more than one or two followers so I am thinking this might be my last post. I always wanted to be a "blogger" but I don't have the cahones for it! I need more time, more creativity, more everything. I'm a much better reader/follower than a blogger!

The babies are almost 10 months. 10 months. What the! I was watching some early video of the twins in the hospital. How come that seems like 10 years ago?

So the babies are in the 75th percentile now. Unfortunately they are still having mighty troubles with crawling. Their fine motor has come along and they are all caught up in every area, except crawling. I know it's not technically a "milestone" but the therapists say there is much value in NOT skipping. The sooner they start moving the more exploring and learning they can do. I don't know of any tricks to get them to crawl. They do buttloads of tummy time, E can side sit and almost start to crawl but she backs down. O's legs are SO stiff he can't side sit. But he is a master roller on the floor and can get where he needs to go. E not so much. She'd rather go back and forth and play with a toy for a long period of time.
It is so frustrating. If my two babies were the only ones in my extended family that would be much nicer :) We have a baby that is only 3 wks younger than mine and he is way advanced. I also have a 4 month old in the group and she is already rocking on hands and knees. Ugh, I get asked every day (yes every day!!) "are they crawling yet?" or "are they walking yet?". I always explain no, they are getting closer but we are working with the therapists and are making progress. But yet I feel like the progress is mind numbingly SLOW. I am SO worried about them having speech delays. I just am so sick of therapy. I want them to do SOMETHING on time. I would love it if MY kids talked before the others, so I could be proud and feel like I did something right. I am always blaming myself for their physical delays. I think the therapist said they have low muscle tone and they were born with it and thats what the research says. But I do think a lot of is it my fault too. Ugh.

We got their 10 month pix yesterday. Oh, they are too friggin cute! They were well behaved there and at the restaurant! I don't know if this will last, but they are pretty good to take out anywhere. I bet this will end once they can crawl and they know they can get away.

Trying to think of ideas for their 1st b-day party. I am in shock that we have gotten to this point ALREADY. I shudder at the thought of going back in time and re-living the sleep deprivation.
Although my mind wanders daily about the thought of using my frozens in a few years. I would be content with my family of four. The perfect sized family to start taking trips in a few years. But if I use my embryos and they work, I could end up with none, 1, 2, or 3. I better stop thinking about it. I just wish it were free and Id go back for one at a time.

Can't think of a post title

2009-03-08T09:24:00.006-04:00

Why is it as soon as I open blogger, I lose all creativity, and can't come up with jack to put in a title line, much less my post. SO frustrating!

So not much new here. DH is getting REALLY mopey, to the point where it's annoying :( I am on birth control (how silly, but I really cant handle a third right now!) and I swear this pill makes me super crabby. I feel like Ive been pretty mean to DH. But when I come home exhausted, and see a disgusting house that I just cleaned a day prior...it is maddening. I would say my 12 weeks with them were a hell of a lot harder than his are now. These kids can sit at the same toy for an hour without having to be moved. Yes, that's right. Still not crawling BUT we are making headway with therapy. They can both scoot on their tummies, maybe not pull forward yet, but we're working on it! Part of me REALLY does not want them to crawl whatsoever. We are exhausted with them the way it is. They are truly wonderful babies though. Eme.rs.on is learning how to appropriately use her whiney voice, which she got from me. Mr. O is a little angel, takes some hardcore abuse from his sis. They are both awesome, and it kills me that DH gets to stay home with them all day. He wants a job SO bad, and I try to bring him back to reality and tell him not to count on it. Every job he applies for is getting hit hard with hundreds of resumes. He hasn't got a chance. Wish he could just enjoy this time off, although since I'm not in his shoes I can't imagine how little he must feel.

Oh yeah, so this really bothers me.
See this blog:
http://sweetgirlies.blogspot.com/
Read from the beginning, and then watch out, you will bawl your eyes out. I have had trouble sleeping since reading this blog. I can't imagine how any mother could go through something so awful. If there is ever such a thing as a worst nightmare, that is it.

We have our 9 mo checkup this week. I think they are both about 19.5 lbs, so O finally caught up. Of course their doctor is going to freak when she asks if they are crawling. O was in at 8 months and I said no and she was horrified. I kept saying "remember, they're in therapy". She is the one who recommended it to them for crying outloud!

So my cousin who is 30 I think, just had her husband take a s.perm test, one of those you buy off the internet. He failed it twice. He is an avi.d biker, so she is really worried that maybe he burned them all up underneath that sweaty spandex. Should be interesting to see what comes of that. I wonder how accurate those tests are.

I feel like there is so much more about the babies I should tell you about. They are each so different in looks and personality. They like the opposite things. O likes veggies, E does not. They are starting to want to escape out of our arms if we try to cuddle. I hate that :( Where did the last 9 months go? I do know when I think back to the beginning, when they were little...omg, I get all sorts of anxious. I cant say I really want to go back to that time, too stressful!

Ok, well time to wrap this up. Let me see if I can attach a couple pix :)

Blindsided

2009-02-07T17:24:00.002-05:00

So my husband was let go from his job of 5 years on Thursday. Didn't see it coming. Their company is not doing well and had to let 25% of the people go. The part he can't get over is why him. He was the only one from his department. His ego is shot. I feel horrible for him. When he called I could barely understand him. I kept asking "What's wrong!?!"...I was SO scared, sick to my stomach, thinking something was wrong with the babies.
So anyway, we are down to one income and 6 mo. of unemployment. I'm not going to panic until 5 months from now rolls around. Then we're going to be hurting. I told him to look at it this way, he has all the time in the world with the kids. I must admit I'm jealous. He did have a sweet gig though, working 11 hour days (10 at work 1 at home) and then Friday's off with the kids. Probably not going to find that anywhere else around here. Relocation is not an option. Having twins you NEED support and our family is all here. We had it too sweet. Both worked in the city, a block from each other, a couple miles from daycare...It was too easy.

So now we wait. I'm scared. My husband's interview skills stink. He has no "wow" factor whatsoever. Eek.

On a good note, babies are doing great :)

Long Time No Post

2009-02-01T20:58:00.012-05:00

Wow, it's been 2 months? Weird :) I wish I had more time to blog, I really do! Our lives just seem "busy". Isn't "busy" not supposed to happen til they're like in junior high?

Where do I even start? Honestly, I have the two cutest babies that have ever existed. When they go to bed at night, part of me can't wait to see them the next morning. The other part of me just wants to stay sleeping.

My babies have finally taken to sleeping through the night, at least 95% of the time. E will once in awhile go for the 4am wake up instead of 5:30. Sometimes she'll go back to bed but othertimes she starts crying and we just feed her to get it over with. I still go to bed before 9 usually. If I dont have at least 7 hours of sleep I'm crabby! The babies go down 6:30-7:00'ish. It's heaven! I've tried to kick my fat arse back into working out...I play "My Fi.tness C.oach" for the Wii. Cheesy graphics, cheesy music, but it's the next best thing to being at the gym!

The babies are almost 8 months. Yes, 8 months! It was about a year ago that I came out of the closet at work, trying to hide my ol prego belly. I was just looking at my belly shots, and I just about died laughing! Here I thought I was not THAT big, but oh hell yes I was! I just wish I remembered my pregnancy. It honestly feels like that part of my life never happened. I am DYING to be pregnant again but know we would not even attempt an FET until the twins were 5 years old, in kindergarten.

That leads me to something else that Katie brought up a couple posts ago. I am not over infertility. I know now that I never will be. I am still EXTREMELY bitter/annoyed when I hear the talk "so we're gonna try for another one starting in April so we can have a baby born in winter" or whatever. It boggles my mind that people can PLAN when their babies are born. Not to mention get pregnant by having SEX. Yes folks, SEX! That's a completely foreign concept to me (although I did get prego on clomid once, but that didnt end well). I debated about not going back on birth control. It did, I admit, add a bit of excitement to sex...the 2% chance was there that we MIGHT get knocked up the easy way. But I found my mind wandering...I started having "symptoms" and would get excited that I was pregnant again. Then reality would sink in...HELLO, we can't afford for me not to work nor can we afford THREE in daycare! We already pay $1,260 a month. It's insane! So I put the kabosh on these crazy thoughts and got on Seasonal.e. I can handle 4 periods a year! Of course I can guarantee they will all hit at the most inconvenient times anyway. It's just my Aunt Flow's style.

Why am I talking about myself? I bet you're waiting to hear more about the kids.

Back in the day, E was hard. She did nothing but cry and I felt a real lack of connection with her, which scared me. You are supposed to love your child unconditionally. I know I did, but I felt distant. I thought maybe I had PPD. Maybe I did, I dont know. But she has made a complete turn around. She is the light of my life, the light of my day. She smiles ALL the time. I just look at her and I get a smile. She melts our hearts on a daily basis. She has these tiny little feet that don't match her fat legs. She has such pretty brown hair and the most amazing brown eyes. She has no teeth yet, but is working on the bottom two.

Then there's Mr. O. He was my teeny tiny skinny little thing. He still is skinny, hasn't caught up to his little sis yet. He used to be pretty chill, with the occasional freak out. Everyone would say "he's JUST like your husband" (always calm, never gets worked up about anything). Well, times have changed folks! He has turned into our "fussy" baby. I would still say we have two very good babies, but if someone is going to pitch a fit about tummy time, not being able to reach his toy, etc etc....its HIM! I feel bad for the guy though, he seems to be the one that when he gets sick, he really gets sick. This week I was SO worried about him. Both of them have had colds since they started daycare (five months ago!!)...its always off and on with the sickies, and this particular cold has stuck around for awhile. Well for him it turned into a double ear infection, eye infection and he got put on a nebul.izer to break up the crap in his chest. Well, his wheezing isnt getting much better...and it's starting to scare me. He goes back on Wednesday for a checkup, I am pretty concerned about him ending up with asthma. Otherwise, my little boy is wonderful. I would say he's a mama's boy. I took a nap with him today and I just love how he rests his head on my cheek. He is just starting to get hair...I am going to miss his bald head :( He screams like a girl, but it's quite hilarious. There is nothing like a little boy.

The babies are in the birth to th.ree program since they are not hitting their "Milestones". I feel like it's partially my fault...didnt spend enough time doing this or that, etc. They have only been in it for 3 weeks and have come along way. They both needed work on their cores and that is it. The core leads to everything else...When O got evaulated he could only sit up for 30 seconds. A week later by doing situps and bouncing him on a ball, he could sit up perfectly. They are getting both PT and OT...I really like OT, it's fascinating stuff. It's amazing how fast they are making progress. It's so fun to watch.

We are also a part of a music program that we started last week. Not sure how much they enjoyed it but I'm hoping it will help them to maybe not be delayed in other areas. Therapy is time consuming! Wow. Our nights are SO short the way it is and I feel like we're always doing THERAPY "fun" and not "fun fun". I'd really like to post some pictures, but somehow I always end up only be able to do one.

I really should write more often. The life of a twin Mommy is so stressful and whacky the way it is, but now that they are a little older it's starting to calm down a bit. I think back to the IVFs, the miscarriages, the tears....So worth every minute.

**ETA** Posting pix in this thing is a PIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always Making The WRONG Decisions

2008-11-29T12:56:00.005-05:00

Ok, I dont know if its just me...but I swear I am always making the WRONG decisions. I think it stems from over-information on the internet. I feel like I cant make any decisions without first consulting google.

For example, people think I'm crazy that my kids are sleeping before 7pm. Around 6pm they start to lose it. So around 6:30, if we can make it, we start their last bottle. Usually by 6:45 they are put down. So they recently just started STTN, and get up for a bottle around 5. Sometimes E is at 4...whenever we tell people this its "try making them stay up a bit later". 1) we have tried that, increasing the time by 5 minutes, hasnt worked...plus by doing this and going against their clocks, it actually backfires
2) we like having a couple hours to ourselves to get stuff done, even if it is just sitting on my laptop

Another thing - swaddling. Everyone I know had never really heard of swaddling so they thought the babies were in these horrible straight jackets. We tried breaking E of the habit a month ago and it didnt go well, and my little man scratches himself like crazy when he's tired. So over the 4 day break we did break the swaddle habit by going to sleep sacks and this is working out pretty good.

What else what else...Oh yeah, feedin them solids. According to my source (the internet) the new recommendation is to start at 6 months. So we actually tried rice/oatmeal awhile back and pretty much are forcing them to eat it. We skip it a lot because I know they dont like it. We JUST started carrots a few days ago...yes, carrots, we started with f'ing carrots. Its stage 1, and I read that you can start with whatever you want. The ped said I shouldn't have done that, etc etc, and now they wont like their greens. I just read that thats all myth. It may or may not be, guess Ill find out.

Everytime I go to the doctor she says" he has excema"...I KNOW that lady, you tell me EVERY F'ING TIME! I hydrocortisone him like crazy and its pretty much gone, but he must know when to make his tummy slightly red, because he likes to do it right before doc appts. I swear the doc must think I NEVER lotion him up and i always do, multiple times a day.

And when I was breastfeeding...everytime the babies cried "oh they must be hungry". If I only had a dime for everytime I heard that one!!! Ugh. Its so frustrating. Even now, they'll have a bottle, barely finish it, and a few minutes later if they're crying "oh they must be hungry"....SO ANNOYING!

Ugh and O's eye infection. I told my husband to leave the socks off his hands, because I think he was getting better with his scratching issue. And what happens - he scratches his eye and had a HORRIBLE eye infection. I feel like a horrible mom for letting this happen.

Oh yeah and there "keeping warm" for the winter. I agonized over how to go about this. Its the midwest so its cold, but I didn't know if a carseat cover would fit over my carseat cuz its a little bigger. So I bought these fleece coats (very thin) with a built in hood and mittens. Put a blanket on top of them. The carseasts were ALWAYS at daycare or at home ,never sitting in the cold. Mom tells me they are going to freeze to death etc, ugh. SO I bought them real coats, and then they were not comfortable in their carseats. So anyway now we go with the fleece jackets and a blanket and a carseat cover...they are definitely warm. But since they arent in a big snowsuit they must be freezing, according to every one I talk to. Ugh.

I feel bad for ANY TIME I have ever made a comment to a mother along the lines of "oh maybe he has a wet diaper" or "oh, are they hungry" because its extremely annoying!

They had their 6 mo check up yesterday. O is in the 25th percentile and E is in the 50th, but she is going to try and get both into phsyical therapy. Part of me is ashamed that they cant roll and sit up etc...but part of me is very excited that they will get help. Its hard to have babies that aren't doing the "normal" things...especially since my cousin's wife has a baby that is 3 wks younger that does everything including eats solids since the day he turned 4 mo old.
The comparison gets annoying. He can stand on his legs, he rolls like crazy, he giggles all the time etc.
Mine just dont to the same things. I knew having twins meant they might be behind, and it does truly suck. But I love them to death no matter what is "wrong" with them.

Being a mom is hard.

Twin Blogging

2008-11-20T19:27:00.005-05:00

I always have wondered why some twin moms stop blogging, or at least show up only once a month. I know why now. With raising twins and working full time, you're not left with much leftover time. They JUST started sleeping through the night, fairly consistently (I can feel the jinx coming on). They take their last bottle around 6:30, and end up in bed anytime between then and 7pm. Then they wake up at 5am or so for their morning bottle, and we've recently introduced throwing them (not literally) into the same crib together for the next hour or so. They play for awhile (holding hands, its so cute) and then fall back asleep for another 45 or so. So at about 7 our day starts...way better than 5am!

They like daycare. They smile when they get there, so at least I don't feel guilty about that. I'm sure that'll change once they learn to talk. I see a lot of unruly kids there and I just pray neither of mine turn out like that!!

They are 5.5 months. They are not sitting up, not rolling, not doing much of anything. They struggle with their cereal. We haven't started other solids really, since the AAP (or whoever) is saying wait til 6 months. I just watch for signs my kids are ready for it and quite honestly, they don't seem ready. But we keep trying.

Its hard to hear other people say there kids are roling and they are only 4 months old. We practice in that little time we have when work and daycare are over...but they get fussy and start rubbing their eyes at 6. So we have like 45 min to play with them :( I so look forward to the weekends!

I get the question "how do you do it" about 2-3 times a day. Honestly, I have no clue. I don't have time to THINK about how I do it...it has to get done, I don't have a choice, and it's just become routine. I can still carry their carriers at the same time, but ONLY on the way into daycare! I would never do it "for fun". I have never taken them anywhere by myself other than daycare.

My babies are not so much babies anymore. It breaks my heart everytime I go through their drawers and pack away clothing that doesn't fit. Most of the stuff never got worn or got worn once. If I had any recommendation it would be stick with sleeper outfits!!! I just hate putting pants, shirt, socks, etc on...love sleepers!! Plus they're just so cute and cuddly in em.

Here are some pix :) (ETA it wont let me add anymore, grr!!)

I'm Still Alive!

2008-10-05T21:07:00.007-04:00

So I've been a bad blogger, again. I am always thinking of posts in my head, and by the time night arrives, I'm too exhausted to write anything.

Twins are hard work, period. But I can't think of life any other way now. They are such a huge part of my life. During infertility, when my co-workers or friends would constantly talk about their kids, I would just think "Geez, dont they have ANYTHING else to talk about??" But now I see why, KIDS ARE YOUR LIFE once you have them. I have nothing else going on in my life. And that is fine with me.

The kids are 4 months now. FOUR FRIGGIN MONTHS! They just had their 4 mo. checkup. O rang in at a whopping 11lbs 12oz, 23 inches. E weighed in at 12lbs 12oz, 24 inches. They are getting so big! Around the 3 month mark they started getting much more fun. Finally we had babies that were moreso quiet and playful vs. crying all the time. E who used to be our fussy baby is now pretty easy, and O is a crabby pants, ye he was our "easy" one, always laid back.

There's another thing about O, that I'm very concerned about. He has stopped coo'ing, cold turkey! E babbles constantly. I talked to the doc at our appointment. She kind of made me feel like a bad mommy (this happens often). O has dry skin and excema. I thought I was only supposed to put the hydro.cortisone cream on when I saw redness, so it was like once every other day. Otherwise I always lubed him up with lotion, but his dryness really never disappeared. Well I guess I was supposed to be hydrocort.isoning him multiple times a day and using vaseline or crisco all over, as well. Oops...well she thought maybe his dry itchy skin maybe caused him to stop babbling. He has also been sick for 5 weeks fighting this same cold. She said that MAYBE has something to do with it. She just doesn't know and neither do I.

So yesterday his skin was doing great, and my mom got some coos from him. I was relieved...he was cured, so I thought. Then today, nothing, not a single coo :(

Then I came up with another theory. The second week of daycare is when he got sick...and its also the time when he started on half formula bottles (I was not pumping enough, so they do half and half). He is fine from what I can tell on his Enfamil. Not too much gas and no spit up...

I just wish I knew. I am so afraid this is going to be a huge problem. I read on the internets that he could be just learning a new skill. But then where the hell is this new skill? I have yet to see one.

They are still not rolling. But I can't say I'm great about tummy time. When we get home from work/daycare, its 5:15 and we have an hour and forty-five minutes til bedtime. We really hate to piss them off by throwing them on their tummies. I just assumed daycare was doing it but I've come to find out I dont think they are....Shit. So we are supposed to put them on their tummies and practice rolling with them. I feel horrible for not really doing that. I just want to play and see them smile when I have such a short time with them.

What else...hmm...Sleep...ahh yes sleep! Growth spurts SUCK, I'll say that! When I started back at work (which is going fine btw), they suddenly started sleeping 7:30pm til 5:30am or so. Heaven. I'd wake up soaked in milk and I loved it. That many hours in a row was unbelievable.

Of course I thought the babies were dead the first time it happened. Then it happened a couple more times over the next week or so. Well it was very short lived. Then 2 wks ago E who was our awesome night sleeper, started waking up at 12am...and then like a 4am...which sucked because I get up at 5:30 so was really losing sleep. She was going through an evil growth spurt. I hate these things! Now they are over that, or so I'm hoping...

They go to bed around 7:15pm or so, and one of them wakes up around 2, give or take 30 minutes. It's fine by me. I get both up, breastfeed (this is the only time they go to the boob), and then they sleep again til after I'm done showering and ready to go for the day. Of course every night is ridiculously unpredictable. I go to bed by 8:30 or so, because I can then guarantee myself at least 4 or 5 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep. Sometimes we go to bed even earlier. I am in such a panic after they go to bed. If its 7:30 or so like tonight, I prepare daycare bottles for the next day. I make next day's lunch for work. I do one last pumping session. So then while I pump I catch up on the internet, check all my blogs, visit my news sites, etc etc. If I end up staying up til 9pm, I am in near freakout mode.

We do assign ourselves a kid now each night. I have rules. If they wake up before midnight, they go back to bed w/o being fed because I know they are usually waking up because of gas or breaking out of their swaddles.

If they wake up before 1:15am or so, they get bottle fed (they will sleep longer). If they wake up around 2 or later, it's a guarantee breastfeed. We just go with the flow and try to maximize our sleep. I just love when people say "if you would just go to all formula they will sleep through the night". I always say "actually that's a myth...and we've experimented and it hasn't made a difference".

**husband looks over at me with a panic in his eyes, because it's 8:27pm!!**

Now, we got the okay to start solids per our doctor. I have done some research and it looks like it's not necessary but actually better to wait awhile yet. My twin books say once you start you can't go back and it is a real PIA! So we are going to hold out another month or so. But I know I will get shit for it.

We did form some bad habits knowing we were doing so. But when you have twins, you do what you can to get even the teensy bit of rest and relaxation.

1) O will only nap being held or in his swing, at home and at daycare

2) E likes to be rocked to sleep but she is getting better...if we get her before she's overtired, into her crib, she will whine herself to sleep pretty quick

I'm too tired to list some other bad habits.

What else...what else...Did I mention they are THE BEST!?!? I go through such withdrawal when I'm at work and they're at daycare. I can't wait to leave at 4:30 on the dot. When I pick them up, I always expect them to hoot and holler since Mommy's there, but that never happens. Sometimes I get a smile, sometime's I don't.

I can't wait til Xmas this year. The past few Christmas's (can I put an S after an apostrophe with an S??) I've been so depressed because I hadn't had my family yet. I can't wait to decorate and put up the tree and start traditions...

I gotta hit a pumpkin patch soon. I can actually enjoy holidays now that I have my babies.

I best wrap this up! I'll leave you with a picture :)

Sorry for disappearing...I gotta get less panicky over going to bed before 8:30. I can't wait til they start sleeping through the night...whenever that may be! I admit, I will miss it...

Which reminds me of a whole nother topic...having more babies...that will have to wait til next time!

Yawn...

2008-08-22T04:20:00.001-04:00

Here I am at a 3:00am feeding. I have a new fancy (well compared to my old one) laptop, and it's easier to type on WHILE tandem feeding. I got skills!

Anyway, I realize I should post more. But I'm too tired to even think, so I leave you with fulfilling a request for more pix.

Here are the most current ones...

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=27919&l=7809d&id=803242499

I go back to work Monday. Shoot me now.

Watch What You Wish For!

2008-08-06T08:20:00.006-04:00

So...in my last post I talked about just wanting ONE day to sleep more than 3.5 hours in a row. Well I sort of got my wish.

So these "gas" pains Ive been having. It all started about a month ago. Id have this horrible pain in my abdomen that would wake me from a deep sleep. Id no longer be able to get comfortable, and would go from couch to couch to bed to bath to toilet etc, nothing worked. I tried tums, took my painkillers from my c-section, nothing. I would have to wait it out and sometimes it was 5 hours. I had another one a few days after that one. I thought it was because of the herb fenugreek that I was taking so I discontinued use. I went a couple weeks w/o having one. But starting last Wed. I think it was, I had one again. I had a ham and chz from arby's and the attack was instantaneous. I had a guest over, and I had to hold back the tears and pretend everything was fine. Thank god she left a few min after my attack started. I handed off the boy and ran my usual bath, took my maalox, my percocet, and dealt with it for 5 hours. Horrible!! Then I had two more the next couple of days. It was mostly after Id eat something fatty. So I looked this up and it pointed to gallbladder. But I thought nah! So anyway when my last attack happened at 3:30am on Sunday, I wasnt much tired anymore and knew I would never be able to sleep it off...Sometimes it would disappear enough that I could fall asleep and when Id wake up it was gone. I was so glad I went to the ER, they gave me this lidocaine/maalox mixture and it instantly made me feel better cuz of the numbing sensation. Bloodwork showed that my liver enzymes and bilirubin were high. So they did an ultrasound of my gallbladder and sure enough, gallstones everywhere. Hours later (being a Sunday, every doctor and tech was on call so it took forever to get things done) out came my gallbladder. They took it out lapriscopoadsflasdfly (no way can i spell this) so I have four incisions. One underneath my belly button, one underneath my abdomen and two on the right. They dont even have stitches. The worst was the nurses coming in during the night every hour doing vitals, you just cant get a good night's sleep in the hospital. Just like after having a baby. I had the same room I had for my delivery, just a floor below. A nice view of Lake Michigan! I was alone most of the time, I told DH to go home. He was so exhausted I just wanted him to get some Zzzs. The next day in the hospital was slightly rough, you just feel like someone kicked you in the abdomen. It hurt to cough and laugh but I could walk around like a hunchback. But yesterday I was already cruisin around, cleaning the house. As long as I upkeep the painkillers I'm good. My friend says I'm like a cutter...but I'm addicted to surgeries. In the last 2 years Ive had 2 D&Cs, my c-section and now this. Throw in 2 egg retrievals there! I am the queen of anesthesia. This one they had to put me out out though like with my csection. I hate how the throat feels when you wake up from them taking the tube out. Its still a little scratchy.

So I went 36 hours without seeing my babies. Thats a long time when the most time spent away was only 2 hours at a time. I was told that I had to pump and dump after surgery for 24 hours. So I threw a LOT of milk away and my babies had to have formula for a day. I was not happy since I was so proud that they were exclusively breastfed. So I get home, looked it up on Dr Google and turns out you only have to dump ONCE, 4 hours after surgery. Argh...I threw about 50 ounces down the sink :( Now I guess that they've had formula, I don't care for future emergencies. Their bowel movements got all screwed up though, but I think it had more to do with my mom overfeeding them. But I didnt have the balls, nor did DH, to tell her that. We had my mom, dad, and aunt here watching them for those 2 days. They said it was hell. They don't know how I do this daily, so I have definitely gained some respect.

But it's also easier for me because I know who likes what, what will make them stop crying (usually), etc.
I was just so grateful for my parents. If we didnt have family around here, we'd be screwed.

Only 3 more weeks and I'm back to work. Less than 3 wks. I am so dreading this. Feels like I haven't worked in years.
Babies have their 2 month checkup on Friday. I hope they are right on track. Owen is now over 8 lbs and Emers.on over 9!!

Aren't they sweet!

Petition To Increase the Length of Day

2008-08-02T20:24:00.004-04:00

So 24 hours isnt really enough for me to get anything accomplished anymore. Today is Saturday. I told DH I miss the Saturdays where Id sleep til 9 or 10, turn on some crap TV, and fall back asleep til 1pm. I of course would rather have my babies, but after not sleeping more than 3.5 hours at a stretch, you yearn for just ONE day of the old life. I feel guilty for even thinking it. But really, twins is DIFFICULT! I knew it would be. But until you live it, you can't even imagine. We are in a better routine/schedule at night now which is making evenings/nights more predictable, so that is helping.
The main problem is E is SOOO freakin fussy! After she eats, she is a happy clam for 5 minutes tops. Then she realizes she isnt crying. The only thing that really calms her down is being swaddled and thrown in a swing (thank you Happiest Baby On The Block!). And I just cant stand doing that to her the entire day. I even resorted to taking her to my chiropractor for some adjustments. He barely did anything to her, but I'm hoping after 2 or 3 more adjustments she might be a little less crabby. I doubt it but I'm desperate here! My son is happier than her, although he gets into these little tizzies where nothing, and I mean nothing, calms him down except a good ol' swaddle. I cannot recommend enough a swaddle blanket!

I have only 3 weeks left of maternity leave. I dread going back to work, but now we're going on 9 weeks and I am feeling "done" with the every day monotony of crying, feeding, changing diapers, etc. I yearn for Thursday night when DH comes home and has a three day weekend. He is already scared for when he has them on Fridays by himself.
They are such huggable loveable little creatures but their screams are enough to drive you mad. I'm to the point I can tolerate it and tune it out. But it still gets to you sometimes.

I miss continous sleep. I really do. Our schedule looks like this. Maybe its all wrong, but its working:
Between 5pm and 6pm try to feed ourselves and them
Between 6pm and 7pm we play with them a bit and then bathe them
Between 7:15pm and 7:30pm or so we feed them again
After the feeding we rock them, or do whatever we can to get them to sleep. They wont go in their cribs at this point yet, not in a deep enough sleep
Then we feed them one last time at 9:15pm or so, and then they are in a deep enough trance to fall asleep in the cribs
1:15am rolls around and O wakes up, so they both get fed
4:30am rolls around, repeat above statement
I pump after this feeding, so I dont get back to bed til 5:30am.
Then E cries at 6am so I put up with some crying for a bit and feed the again at 6:30am
Throw one in swing, other in crib, and sometimes it lasts til 7:30. Sometimes it doesnt.
But at least there is SOME predictability.

I recently had a milk blister on my left titty. Can we saw OW? I did. Ugh, pure torture! Then I opened up a can of soda, and E freaked out and took the blister with her. Oh .. my .. GOD!!!
Its getting better now. Read online to not wear a bra so Ive been letting them hang and its gettin better.

I miss dairy, I really do. I even tried reintroducing milk one day. Not cool. They both rejected me for a couple feedings. It wasnt pretty. The screaming was insane. So there is little I can eat.
Now I have this other problem that started a month ago. Ill suddenly be in severe pain. Its either a trapped gas attack or gallbladder attack. It has happened 4 times total, the 3rd and 4th time being Wed and Thur. As soon as it starts, I take some maalo.x advanced, hop in a hot bath, and rock back and forth. I have had to take my perocets (thank you left over c-section meds) which sometimes helps but not the last couple of attacks. Ive had soda to try and make myself burp which helps a bit. During these attacks which seem to happen late in the night, like midnight, Ive had to pump their feeding and DH gives them bottles. Its just so stressful for the both of us. Usually I get to a point hours later where I can fall asleep...by the time I wake up for their next feeding I am fine. So whatever this is, its not good!

Then I have this problem (sorry I'm complaining a lot) with my arms. Ive had it for years. One or both gets super super stiff and painful for a month straight. Ive gone to the doctor, they find nothing on xrays. Gone to get carpal tunnel testing, nothing. Gone to the chiro, they do therapies on me and adjustments but it doesnt help. SO feeding me babies is painful (getting them off and on the pillow, burping them etc) and carrying them just hurts. I feel like I am falling apart!

Well this is the longest post Ive ever written I think!
I basically just miss TIME. I like having 30 min to get something accomplished but it RARELY happens anymore. As soon as I think they are both napping, I get excited and start a task. It never lasts more than 10 minutes.
And at night when they go down for their one and only 4 hr stretch, I feel the need to get to bed ASAP to maximize my amount of sleep.

I love being a twin mommy. I feel like I'm part of a special club. I just cant wait til this gets easier. So far its getting harder.
But damn if I dont have some cute, loveable miracles!

Six Week Mark And Still Alive

2008-07-15T13:51:00.003-04:00

The babies are six weeks old today. Seems like its been a long six weeks when I think about the long days and nights. Yet to think its ONLY been six weeks since I was in the hospital. Seems like that just all happened.
This also means I have to go back to work in six weeks. Most depressing thought ever. I had some co-workers visit last week and they went on and on about all the horrible things in my department I have to come back to. I had nightmares the rest of the week. I have another group of co-workers coming this week, and they will be warned ahead of time to please not mention the word work.

So we had some company this weekend. DH's sister and two kids. As helpful as I was hoping it was, it was more stressful than anything. When they left there was such a sense of relief. I hate when other people tell me how to raise my kids. I know people are just trying to help, but its ANNOYING and now I feel bad for whenever I've done that stuff.

So as for the babies. E who was 6lb9oz at birth is now about 8lb7oz, and O who was 4lb14oz at birth is now 6lb10oz. He feels like such a porker now, compared to what he was. I used to be able to tandem nurse and then burp with no prob, but now they are both getting heavy and my weak arms have a hard time lifting them up to burp. Hopefully this will lead to muscles in these flabby arms of mine.

I guess I am still in survival mode, but the babies are doing pretty good. Everyday is different. We dont really have a schedule yet, like a set bedtime, it goes around their feedings right now since they still have quite a few a day.
I am still tandem breastfeeding and its going well. We have tried bottles a few times and they took them no problem. Many days I want to quit breastfeeding and go to formula to free myself. But I think about the kids and their health and how this is the one gift I can give to them that no one else can, and if I *can* do it, why not? I am doing nothing else but sitting around anyway.

I also wonder how these babies and babies in general, have that special power...the one where you are trying to get something done, eat lunch or dinner etc...and they wake up from their nap. Never fails.

Oh yeah I finally felt like a mother for the firsttime on Saturday. At the b-day party I went to, someone threw a basketball and it missed the hoop and skidded over O while he was being held. Everyone was quiet and was waiting for him to start crying. Instead I shed some tears. It looked like he had gotten slammed with a basketball. I felt so protective and it was that moment I was like...Holy shit...I'm a MOM!

Coming Up For Air

2008-06-21T17:49:00.003-04:00

Whew - twins, what work! I always wondered what happened to the bloggers who had twins. They'd give birth, post their birth story a few days later, and then disappear only to be heard from once every few weeks. I thought, surely it cant be that crazy where they cant find 20 min to post! Boy was I wrong. Finding merely 2 minutes to post is impossible.
The fact that I am typing this right now is a miracle.

I am at the 2.5 week mark. Oh what a long 2 weeks, but a lot has gotten accomplished. The first week or so I felt like I was drowning. Even though my mom came over everyday to do laundry, to hold them, soothe them etc, AND my DH was still home, it was still overwhelming. Finally we developed somewhat of a routine. Then the unthinkable - DH had to go back to work Thur. I cried all day Wed about it. The hard part is the feeding. The logistics of tandem feeding at night. This is what we normally do when he is able to help:
1) get up when alarm rings
2) DH gets one twin's diaper changed, this seems to wake them up
3) I take that twin, start feeding
4) he takes second baby and does the same
5) I start feeding that one as well
6) After 10 min one or both fall asleep, DH takes each, burps them, annoys them, they wake up and return to feeding another 10 minutes or so
7) When they zonk out, he returns them to their crib (ok this crib thing is new since yesterday but will get to that later) - comes back, retrieves the other
8) Usually Owe.n is not a sleepy head at night and he has to be rocked, but DH seems to do that (Ive been a bit of a whiner about lack of sleep)
9) Return Owen to bed, pray he falls asleep soon

So, now that DH is back to work, and I am on my own...the hard part comes in with these night feedings. Its a pain to do all of this on my own, but there's no option. What I cant manage is when they fall asleep during their feedings, and I try to revive them. I can burp them, but thats it. And I suck at burping. They still want to sleep. Thus they cant latch back on, and they are still hungry if I put them back to bed. SO frustrating.

They were sleeping in their bouncers since we developed our "routine"...they didnt seem to like their crib, but I should have laid down the law and made them tough it out. But I didn't so we got used to the sleeping arrangements of babies in bouncers, me on couch, and daddy on the ground. Starting last night, since it was the weekend and I had my DH to help, we decided to transition to the crib. It went way better than expected, which means it was just a fluke and I shouldn't get used to it. But I was able to sleep in my bed for the first time since I was 17 wks pregnant. ooohh so comfy! We even got several hours of sleep, like 6, which is unheard of. Not expecting more of the same today.

So DH only had to work Thursday, had off Friday. So now this week I'm on my own Mon - Thur...I had my friend's help last Thur, she stayed all afternoon and let me take a nap, and took care of the babies. Now I have 4 days on my own, and it makes me so nervous. Daytimes are not bad, I have confidence, especially in the morning when they are still sleepy and satisfied. It's the nighttimes I have no faith in myself. Truth is, I am super tired at night, and having to do all the rigamaroo (no clue how to spell that) with the getting both fed, truly sucks! I just need another set of hands to ship babies back and forth, so I can just sit with my tandem nursing pillow, awaiting the little hoovers.

Lets see...what else...They are just so darn cute. But it's hard to find babies who aren't. I take way too many pictures. Id like to get professional pictures taken but I'm not sure how young is too young to take them out to Sears or some place like that?

I had so many more random thoughts. None of which I can remember. Oh yeah, it was fun watching the weight drop off. Now it's at a standstill. I gained 43 or 45, not sure which, but I'm down 32. I think I will have to work the rest off which sucks! My hips and ass got so huge, so nothing fits. I bought two pairs of capris to last me awhile, hopefully I will be able to drop another size before going back to work. Speaking of which, it's August 25th, but I am dreading it. I am thinking of ways to not go back, but there are no ways. I am going to die when I drop them off at daycare that first day.
I'm already crying about their newborn stage being over "soon". I also cry about how this might have been my only pregnancy. The scary thing is, I was told Id forget my pregnancy...I thought no way...but its true, I have very little recollection of what it's like to be pregnant.
I am still fascinated that I fit these two in my stomach!

Oh another random thought. Feeding. Oh dear LORD! All I do is whip my boobs out. Every 2 hours...Every 3 at night, but sometimes they go longer now, but not by much. They sometimes take 50 minutes or more to feed because of how often they poop out. So I get such little breaks inbetween...but once they go to daycare in 9 more weeks, I will have to primarily use formula because no way could I pump enough for two. As much as I will miss my 10-12 bf'ings a day, it will be a relief to bottle feed. We are strictly boob at this point.

Well that's about it for now...I cant believe I was able to type this all out.
Twins is hard, but so rewarding. Thanks to all the commentors, it's good to know things will get easier and more fun. Feels like Ive been at this for years, and its only been 2.5 weeks!

Nothing Seems Appropriate

2008-06-10T17:12:00.005-04:00

So...yeah, twins...this is hard!
:)

But anyway, I apologize for not posting. I honestly have NO TIME! How can I sit here for 24 hours and have NO TIME!

Let me back up to the good parts. I went in for an induction last Mon. nigh to start the balloon thingy to dilate me. I was already 3-4cm so it didn't last long before falling out...I was having some contractions but couldn't really feel them. That balloon though really made me feel like crap! So glad when it came out. Next morning at 5:30am they started the pitocin and I got my epidural without feeling many contractions. I kept hitting the button for more meds though, I did not like the contractions...just felt like a bad period cramp.

Anyway, at 11am I was ready to start pushing. Off to the Oper room I went...

Once in there, I pushed 3 or 4 times...My baby boy's heartrate fell into the 70s. My doctor said "I'm calling it" and I thought it mean baby boy had died. I burst into tears. It was quite the emergency and I was intubated and everything. All 3 OBs in the practice showed up. It was so scary...everyone kept telling me it would be okay.
I woke up, in major pain, and was in surroundings not familiar. The nurse told me my husband was upstairs and the babies were doing great. I never felt such relief. I got rolled upstairs in the bed and they made a pit stop to show me DH holding the babies .... oh my GOD! I saw the two most perfect babies...I had a hard time believing they were mine. A few min later we were all reunited and I got to hold them for the first time...What an unbelievable moment.

The last week has been such a whirlwind.

Babies stats - Boy was 4 lbs 14 oz...18 inches, and baby girl was 6 lbs 9 oz...19 inches.

Baby girl had some breathing issues at first, which was scary for DH. The runt was a screamer from the start.

He became jaundiced but one day on the blanket and he was good to go.

Now, the aftermath. These hormones...are kicking my ASS!

I cry so much, out of happiness (I used to look at them and cry everytime, I just couldnt believe they were mine). But Ive also been having meltdowns over breastfeeding. And how hard nights are...

Tandem feeding is hard. Trying to keep them both on, even though I use the ez2nurse pillow...So right now I'm feeding them consecutively, so there isnt much time inbetween feedings.

Baby boy is so small, and has not the strongest latch, so if I put baby girl on, he somehow gets off and sometimes wont go back on.

They had their first doc appt today, each gained an ounce. I was happy with that. We go back in two days for a weight check.

There is so much more to tell...

I am paranoid people I know read this blog, but that's a long shot.

I am always afraid of being googled.

But here they are...

Owe.n. A.n.drew (how's that for a disguise)

Em.ers.on Ann.a

Nothing could prepare me for the moment I met these little ones. I always pictured it to be so magical...and it was, and then some. I will never forget that day.

Unplugged

2008-05-30T18:35:00.002-04:00

So I had my last appointment yesterday. Babies did fine on the NST...and low and behold the doc for the first time, was able to reach the ol' cervix. 2cm dilated, 80 percent effaced. That got me excited, yet scared at the same time. Holy shit people, this is really happening!
I asked her if she thought my body would hold out for induction Tuesday. She said based on my pregnancy so far, most likely...but when she left she said "see ya next week --- or maybe sooner!".

So last night I half expected something to happen...and it didn't. I went pee at 5:30 am, and after I wiped, I decided to blow my nose (ok, it sounds like I used the same TP, dont worry - I didn't). Then I felt something "weird" below, and I wiped (yet another new piece of TP) and it was what I'm pretty sure was part of my plug! Nothing since those few wipes though.

I still haven't had any cramping really. Maybe some light throbbing in the netherregions or on my left side, but nothing that made me think "here we go!".
Half of my family wants me to go pop this weekend, the other half demands I wait til Tuesday.

All I know is that I'm scared shitless now. On one hand, if I get induced, everything is more controlled, more comfortable (not physically though!). But if I go on my own, there's the excitement factor.

I just cant believe in a week from now, I will possibly (notice I'm still not convinced) be coming home, with not one, but two precious little beings, that are all mine...

One Week

2008-05-26T18:19:00.002-04:00

Well, next Tuesday's the day. Assuming nothing happens before then. My little guy is only 4.5 lbs as of last week so they are concerned about him. She is 5.5 which is still small.
So I hope my babies don't need any special care but I wouldn't count on it.

I got nothing accomplished this 3 day weekend. How can that even be possible!
Next week can't come fast enough. I still don't believe this whole thing til I see it actually happen.

Still here

2008-05-19T07:46:00.002-04:00

35w3 day'ish. No dilation, no effacement, nada. My BP has been high though, enough that my doc finally is making me "quit" work but im working from home now starting today. A little nervous about that because my position requires a lot of hands on...but oh well, this will only be for maybe 10 working days.

I still have a hard time believing this is real. Its just not. Its going to take the proof of two cuddly little babies coming home with me in a couple weeks.
Everyday is a little bit scarier. Every pain makes my mind race, "is this it?!!". I am proud to have made it this far...

Not much else going on though, I'm such a bore!

33 weeks. Holy Moly.

2008-05-04T14:20:00.002-04:00

Wow, how did that happen?? 33 weeks. Scary. I still have quite a bit to do but am so physically exhausted from work (not to mention stressed to the point of throwing my laptop on the ground at home) that I don't feel like doing anything else.
The babies' room is still a mess. I just cant seem to get in there to organize.
In just the last week, I went from measuring 41 wks to measuring 44, and I gained 6 lbs in one week. My feet are HUGE! I can't fit into any of my work dress shoes anymore. I have the sexiest cankle.s ever. I am up 38 lbs or so which is pretty darn good I think. I should gain about 50 total and I am so very happy with that. No dilating or anything just yet, so my body is holding up!

For some reason I cant envision life past leaving the hospital. I'm too scared to.
I hope I'm ready for this.

Me, a Baby Shower?

2008-04-12T13:03:00.002-04:00

Weird. Today's my baby shower. This is pretty surreal for me. I'm a little nervous. I'm not a big center of attention person. HATE having all eyes on me. Makes me so uncomfortable. But I'm so excited to see everyone. There are only a handful of people that couldn't make it. So that means I have quite a few groups of people to hit and chat with, but I dont think there'll be much time.
Everyone that is coming has been so supportive of me over the last 3 years with the TTC, miscarriages, IVF etc. If I had balls Id make a big speech thanking them.

So now I'm sitting and waiting to leave. My boobs do not fit in my bras anymore, but I dont feel like spending the money to get new ones! I did start wearing my nursing bras, but then realized one day you can totally tell if I nip out. So back to squeezing these things in underwire.

Oh yeah, had an appt Thur. Showed up an hour late, not knowing it. I had the most stressful day at work, and I just about lost it when the nurse asked me how I was. Tears formed, but I contained myself.
I am now 30 weeks, measuring 38. Up 30 lbs. No signs of dilating just yet. Next appt in 2 weeks (we were going to do every week but she says thinks look great). I do have an u/s next week though so at least my cervix will get measured then. I am getting more comfortable now that I hit 30 weeks but I'd still like to hit 34!

My DH can't stop going into the nursery. I must admit I am not spending a lot of time in there like I thought I would have. I still don't want to get too attached.

Well time to spruce this hair up. I decided to take a nap and now my hair day went from bad to worse.

Getting More Real...

2008-04-03T18:43:00.003-04:00

Well, 29 weeks tomorrow. Is this not the fastest pregnancy on record? I think since I didn't tell work til I was 16 weeks, I felt it wasn't real until then. So I've only been pregnant 3 months or so in my head. It seems odd that I've been pregnant since October.

I'm still waiting for the ball to drop. I've kept that chunk of doubt tucked away, because I need it. If I completely give in and say I believe this is going to work out, I'd be kidding myself, not to mention jinxing myself.

I have a bunch of clothes to wash for the babies. But that means taking tags off. That seems awfully optimistic! We just got the nursery furniture delivered/setup today. Cute stuff...I am going to love the nursery once we get everything exactly how we want it.

I feel the babies every day, every hour of the day. Moreso the girl. Baby boy is pretty relaxed, like his dad. Baby girl likes to shake it in there. She is constantly moving around. I pushed beneath my belly button today and felt something hard. Must've been a foot or something, it made this seem so real...like WOW, I have two human beings in that big belly of mine. I still have a hard time believing it.

I am not feeling much different than I was 12 weeks ago when the aches and pains started. The ol' pelvis still aches most days, but thats my only complaint.
My doc said my body is accomodating this pregnancy very well. I think I noticed my first stretch mark yesterday, so that was a bit sad. But being prego with two, can I really expect to get none? That's just being greedy.

One other thing, I'm finally dreaming about them. Almost every night! I think my brain is saying "this is happening, these babies are REAL" whereas before, I still didn't think this would happen.
I was carrying my daughter around yesterday, she looked like Angelina and Brad's Sh.iloh. I was so proud of her. I was still pregnant with baby boy. I just want to meet these little people already, the waiting is getting hard!!!

Nearly 27 Weeks!!!

2008-03-18T22:01:00.004-04:00

Whew, for some reason I had a bad feeling about today's ultrasound, but I think everything's okay. I am 26w4d, unbelievable. During my ultrasound, the tech told me to roll over so we could get the babies to move a bit so she could get better shots of the heart. I rolled over, she left the room. I went into panic mode and told my husband she went to get the doctor, that something was terribly wrong. I panicked for 10 minutes straight. What a relief when she came back in WITHOUT the doctor. She asked if there was anything else we wanted to see, and I asked if we could just watch the babies for awhile and see what they do. Turns out baby girl takes after her mom, a little spitfire with rage issues. She was kicking baby boy's face in, while he threw his hands up for the block. Adorable. Afterwards, I had the appt with my doc and asked some questions I had been wondering about. I now get to see her every week which is nice. My cervix is measuring over 3 still, so I cant complain. Oh yeah, I'm measuring 34 weeks...ouch! I am up 24 lbs...I am happy with that.

As for how things have been going since my last post. I am getting more and more (and more) exhausted as the days pass. The babies are almost 2lbs each now. Lugging even just that around is pooopin me out. Oh and I got a little surprise a couple weeks ago. 2 raging hemorrhoids. These things suck! I'm terrified of vah-jay-jay birth now, won't these roids explode? Well, baby girl is butt down and baby a is head down, so we won't know for awhile which route I'll be going.

We finally picked out our furniture and bedding...and I cracked and went baby clothes shopping at a used baby clothes store last weekend. I got so many cute girl dresses...But the tags won't be removed just yet. Maybe once I get the furniture delivered. I'm still not convinced of this pregnancy thing yet. Although these babies (especially baby girl) are extremely active, I for some reason still don't believe this is real yet. I guess if I dont believe it, its less shocking if things dont work out.
I hate having that mentality, but once you get burned, that's it!

22 weeks

2008-02-17T14:18:00.002-05:00

So I'm 22w1d'ish now. Unbelievable. 2 more weeks til "viability" but of course to me I won't feel "safe" til they incubate in me til the 34 week mark or so. For awhile here, I didn't think my body would hold out.
I ended up at the doc last week because my pelvic pain was so bad, I thought something had to be wrong. The doc checked and said everything was high, closed, thick, etc. No worries. I did buy a pregnancy belt, but have yet to try it.
I also had an u/s last week, which showed my cervix length to be 4, was hoping for a 5, but that's just the overachiever in me. I couldn't even enjoy my u/s because I felt so horrible from this cold. My babies did look cute though, my baby boy was opening and closing his mouth. I wish I could have enjoyed the moment, but I wanted out. It was so hot I couldn't breathe.
My pelvic pain has slowed up a bit, but I attribute it to the fact I've been on my couch for a week straight laid up with this awful cold/cough deal.
I had to call in sick 2x to work last week, and I've only called in sick a total of two times in my 12 yr working career. I knew I needed to rest for myself and for the babies. This cough is straight from hell. I've had such trouble sleeping. But, I'm on the mend, and I must say it feels GREAT to feel great!

I still have yet to buy anything. My husband keeps saying "you're 22 wks and we have NOTHING". I point out to him the two pink pacifiers laying on the table from my sister, and then point at the box of 0-3 month clothing. We're all set I tell him. He isn't buying it. We were going to go crib/bedding shopping yesterday but naturally he is sick too, so we're both too miserable to leave our respective couches.

I am not getting much bigger over the last month or so, even if people are saying "you're huge". I'm not, but sometimes its the clothing that makes it look that way. The babies are almost each a pound. I cant imagine lugging them around if they are each 5 or 6 lbs. I am up to the challenge.

I Suck At Blogging - 18w5d

2008-01-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being MIA. I work with computers all day, so sometimes the last thing I want to do is work on my home computer. I'm going to make an attempt to at least report in weekly!

SO guess what?? I have started with the flutters a few days ago. I think I always knew they were there, the last 3 weeks or so, but you honestly can't tell if its gas or not. Now that the babies seem to be active at a certain time (9pm) or so, I get to just relax and enjoy the POP POP sensations. It is the coolest feeling...I wish I knew who was doing what, but they are both in the center. I cant wait til they're bigger, then I would think I could tell.

Of course being an infertile and miscarriage survivor, I am not without worry. Like today at work, I didn't feel any fluttering. So all day I couldn't wait to get home and use the doppler. I haven't yet, but will right after this post.
Sleeping is getting uncomfortable. I've read you should sleep on your left side, with a pillow inbetween your legs. Ok, I find this not comfortable, especially after 5 minutes. So I usually kick the pillow to the curb and turn to my right side. I do love sleeping on my back, but I keep reading that is bad. Yet when I'm on my sides, I feel like I'm smooshing the babies, thus suffocating them. I can't win, so all night long these paranoid thoughts run through my head. It sucks! Then there's the physical pains. Lately Ive been getting these pains in my vaginal area when I flop around or walk too much (that is rare let me tell you). So I'm convinced my cervix isn't holding out. I guess I'll wait til my next ultrasound.
But yeah, so I'm almost 19 weeks, I'm out of the closet with friends, family, and work. Its a relief. Maternity clothing is in full gear. I had 4 people give me quite a few things, so I am set (unless I outgrow them which I hear is common with twins).
I do feel like I'm a fake though. Today I was wearing maternity black pants, with a black suit coat thing, with a cute maternity red turtleneck. It really showed off the belly, but I felt like I was flaunting it, but flaunting a fake pregnant belly. It's hard to explain.

In other news, there is no other news! I still can't commit to buying nursery stuff yet...maybe after my next ultrasound.
I haven't picked up any outfits yet either. I'm definitely enjoying the second trimester though, I feel "cute" in some of these maternity clothes. I am fearing the third trimester though. Sounds like it might get a bit uncomfy :)

Surreal Day

2008-01-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

Today was my 16 week ultrasound. I'm officially 16w5d. I have been nervous even though Ive had my doppler. A heartbeat doesnt equal healthy baby!
Anyway, onto the u/s. I asked her to guess at the genders...and she is very confident Baby A's a boy and Baby B's a girl. Can this really be? That is too good to be true. Wow. I came out of the closet at work, and I got tons of "I thought you were sure gaining a lot of weight..." ouch!!! But its true, I hid it for a long time and I'm actually measuring 22 weeks...so people would have been pretty blind not to notice. Everyone was so happy for me, got lots of hugs and congrats visits/emails/calls. I'm up 8 lbs. since my last month's visit, so that is pretty good, right? I still think 2 lbs of it was water weight from filling my bladder for the ultrasound! I would like to introduce you to A & B. I still can't believe it!

A
B

This Christmas Is Different

2007-12-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

For so many past Christmas's, I've wondered if next year would finally be *the* year Id be pregnant or a mommy. It gets old after awhile, when year after year you're neither pregnant nor a mom.
But this year's different...I'm slowly starting to believe I MIGHT be one next year...and being pregnant this year gives me so much hope. I can't wait to actually enjoy the holidays this year. I'm on vacation til Jan. 3rd (so then why has worked call me the last three days??) which is rare for me to get this time of year.
The doppler has been a blessing and a source of evil. So far I've always been able to find both babies, but sometimes it takes longer than others and I get a little scared. My husband and I both exchange "oh shit" glances.
He has hid it from me for today and tomorrow, just in case something would happen and I cant detect a heartbeat.
So I sent a card to my sister-in-law with both babies' pictures posted in there, she called so shocked and excited. Tonight we're letting my other sister-in-law know, she might be a little miffed we didn't tell her sooner. She is always the one who tells me not to say anything til after the first trimester. I am still hiding it from work since I am not showing enough, I can easily hide it. It just looks like I'm getting fat, and Ive been working on that for a year, they're used to it.
Next appt January 10th, seems like a lifetime away.

Happy Holidays to everyone who reads this. I hope 2008 is finally the year I become a mommy.

I Graduated!

2007-12-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was my big day, my last RE appointment. It was bittersweet. I love my clinic, the doctor, the nurses, everyone. It's not the same at my OB office. I have to wait eons to get my name called, instead of a few seconds. My doctor is really nice, REALLY nice...the nurses are okay. I miss my RE's nurses already. Anyway, I got a cute little gift basket, two of everything.
The babies look good...I think on Baby A I see his nose and mouth, and his brain? Not sure.

Anyway, first OB appointment today. I asked some questions and got to listen to the heartbeats. Did I mention I ordered a doppler? I got it last Friday and was SO nervous to try it out, didn't think I'd get it to work. But I did, and I totally heard two heartbeats. Of course one only measured at 70, so I spent two days worrying. I finally figured out that I had to tilt the probe thing at an angle to get a better sound...once I did that the HB was rocking.
Today at the OB's, Baby A measured 160 and B was 170.
It's still surreal. My mom told my family yesterday. My grandma was beyond ecstatic. I am still holding off on telling work. My next appt is a month from yesterday, my longest wait yet. Thank you doppler, it will keep me sane, or drive me insane...

Getting Closer to "Comfortable"

2007-12-03T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today's ultrasound went great. Babies were measuring ahead. One of them I'm pretty sure is a mutant but the other one gave a great profile shot.
I feel like I'm more excited than ever, but so paranoid of letting my guard down. I'm still holding off on telling family for a couple more weeks, and work is a month away yet unless I start looking huge.
My blood pressure was "slightly" high and I wasn't worried about it, but everyone that I told is freaking me out.
They think it might have been because of nerves, so they're monitoring it.
I was surprised when the RE said to stop meds Thursday (damn was hoping for today!) and go back Monday, for more b/w and another u/s...sweet, any chance I get to see my babies.

Whew, another hurdle crossed.

11 weeks

2007-12-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe I've made it this far. Today I am 11 weeks. I've had too many weeks to grow attached to these buggers inside me. Of course one day I am sure everything's fine, and the next day I'm convinced they are both gone. I think my mom and sister are sick of my episodes. I must admit though I'm not stressing. Because frankly, if they are gone, there's nothing I can do, and this would just prove for some reason I cant carry a baby. It'll be a blow, for sure, but at least I'm being cautious this time. I thought I was being cautious last time, but at 8w2d seeing a heartbeat, I let my guard down. Not this time folks, guard is still UP!
My next u/s is Monday morning. I am SO excited, but SO scared. Scared because everytime I get wanded I brace myself for the worst. Excited because if I made it this far, I've crossed another hurdle. I graduate from my RE. I stop the PIO! I cant imagine not having to do the injections, and being a "normal" pregnant person.
If everything's a go, I have my OB appointment the following Tuesday. I might finally get to hear the heartbeats (my doctor's u/s machine doesn't even measure them).
Ive never made it this far. I don't want this weekend to end.

Another Hurdle Crossed

2007-11-20T08:31:00.000-05:00

I had my 9w2d ultrasound yesterday which was scary as hell because my baby died last time at 9w2d.

Well, there is still two babies, measuring perfect. One was even swimming around. It was amazing. They even had me schedule an OB appointment for after my last u/s at the RE.
Scary. So afraid I'm jinxing it...

But til then, I will just live my life in this next two week increment!

Ooops!

2007-11-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

Funny, after my last post I totally forgot about my blog! Strange but true.
Lots been going on around here.
As far as I know I am still pregnant with two, but ultrasound will confirm that in 11 days.
My sister had her baby two days ago and I got to witness the birth and it was so darn amazing. I tear up just thinking about it. Her baby boy is just gorgeous. So precious, I am pretty much addicted to him.
My cat is having issues so in a few minutes she is getting xrays to compare them to yesterdays.
Something is in her stomach, whether its a pile of food or something else, they don't know.
But I'm starving her in the meantime and feel like a horrible mommy.

I still have absolutely no symptoms besides burping and some hunger issues. I'm 7w5d.
I want symptoms.

Double Trouble

2007-11-05T11:48:00.001-05:00

Its twins.
I saw two heartbeats.
Please God don't take them away from me.
One measured 7w1d and one measured 7w3d...so one a day ahead, one a day behind...thats great!!!!!!
Ill post more later once the shock wears off.

Hoping Tomorrow Never Comes

2007-11-04T18:18:00.001-05:00

I'm enjoying being pregnant too much. I got too attached. And now tomorrow it could be the end. There's really no indication the end is near, but I had no advanced warning last time either.
Just because my HCG levels were great, it means squat in the world of Mrs. P's pregnancy history.
I just keep throwing different scenarios through my head.

1) Two strong heartbeats, beautifully shaped sacs, right where they need to be
2) same as above, but one
3) same as #1 but with one baby in distress, maybe a vanishing twin in my future
4) two empty sacs (been there done that)
5) three heartbeats (yikes)

Just a matter of 15 hours or so before I know. Please pray if you're the praying kind. I'm scared out of my mind.

Update to CRAP

2007-10-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm hoping it was an isolated incident. I didnt have any more episodes, yet.
I just pooped too, which required considerable straining, and nothing on the TP.
Oh please let it be a fluke. Did I mention I had sex yesterday? I am not on any restrictions according to the nurse, but it seems like anyone else who does IVF is, which is why now we are banned from doing anything sexual. I'm such an idiot.
Why would I even risk it!

Thanks for your advice everyone, Ill keep you all posted. 6w2d, only one week til my u/s...

My sister should be having her baby sometime in the next 8 days as well, so I have something to preoccupy me.

CRAP

2007-10-29T11:52:00.000-05:00

Just went to the bathroom and thought to myself "so far so good, no spotting" (not that it mattered last time, I didnt have any then either).
So I wipe and what do I see??? light brown, mucousy discharge....I wiped again...more...
I am freaking OUT! I know better than to call my doctor, they will just say to wait it out til next week unless there's bleeding.
I know brown blood is supposed to be okay but this is how my first pregnancy spotting started...

I am so freaking out. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Having Doubts

2007-10-24T18:13:00.000-04:00

So I found out today my cousin's wife is pregnant. They just started trying last month. When I found out they were trying I knew it would be any day now, so I wasn't too surprised. She is due around the same time I am.
So now my mind is going berserk. So last time I was pregnant evil girl at work found out a week later she was pregnant too, and I knew I was doomed. I knew the most awful thing that could happen to me was for her to be pregnant. I knew I would miscarry and have to suffer watching her every single day. And I have put up with it for the last 20 some odd weeks.
Torture, to say the least.
Now, I love my cousin's wife, she is awesome. But I cant help but feel it will work out for her, but not me, and I will forever have to associate her kid, with another one of my babies that never made it.
On the other hand, I'm trying to think positive. Maybe we'll be in lamaze together, etc.
But of course I tend to lean on the negative side.

I dont really feel anything going on in there anymore. At first, I would have pulses/twinges etc, on both my right and left side. Then Friday I felt this sharp stabbing pain go up my right side, twice. I haven't felt much over there since. Nothing on my left for a few days. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel anything. Am I?
I am 5w4d, no sickness yet just like last time. I know I wont have any. I know after reading this blog http://takingthestatisticalbullet.blogspot.com/ (such a good read) that sick mom does not equal a healthy baby. But it certainly would ease my fears.

Anyway, I've been super busy at work and haven't had a whole lot of time to dwell on the what ifs. I simply have to wait til my first ultrasound before I have answers.
12 more days.

**ETA** What I mean in the second to last paragraph is that I have been pregnant twice. Once I was nauseous all the time, and that didnt work out. The other time I was not sick one bit, and that didnt work out. So even though most people say "sick mommy, healthy baby" I don't believe it because I didn't have a healthy baby either time :) No worries Katie!

19 Days til Ultrasound

2007-10-17T18:02:00.001-04:00

Last hcg check, 1667 or 1676. I figure I asked twice and forgot both times, but it's one of those. Yikes. More into twins range I go.
But, now I'm done with my bloodwork til my ultrasound. My sister is probably going to be induced that weekend, so I'll be on such a high from that, I wont be thinking of my big day all that much.

I just want this to work out SO bad. It just doesnt seem possible! Yet I read other blogs that have prego women who felt the same way. I have a shot, a good shot.
I think.

Gulp

2007-10-15T18:00:00.000-04:00

669. That's my 11dp5dt / 16 dpo beta. Eek.
Of course I hope there are two little healthy ones in there but will be just as happy with one.
So, so freaked out. Ultrasound isn't til Nov. 5th. How torturous is that??
Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate every single one. I'm trying so hard not to get excited.

Relief, Albeit Temporary

2007-10-13T12:03:00.000-04:00

Is albeit a word? Who knows.

So I had my first hcg check today. 222. That's a nice solid number isn't it? Now, please double.
Twin range. Nervous for Monday's draw!

I am a woman of very few words today. I plan to do nothing today. I am a crappy housewive, that's for sure!

Results are in...

2007-10-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

I decided over lunch I would run to CVS, get some FRERs, and test all by my lonesome at home. I was scared to do it w/o DH, scared to do it because I'd have to go back to work. DH told me I was allowed to test if he thought I could handle going back to work after a BFN.
So I come home, pee in a cup, and attempt to throw the pee cup away w/o dipping the stick. I was nervous. So after dipping, I put some dishes away and walked nervously. My cat was meowing for attention and I gave her a kiss and told her to wish me luck. Went into the bathroom and first thought it was a BFN. Those FRERs are tricky I tell ya. It was a BFP. My third one. I am 0 for 2 on pregnancies. This doesn't bode well for me. I hope third time's the charm in my case.

Like I said before, my worst nightmare is actually having a perfect healthy baby out of this *wink wink*.

As for anyone who cares about symptoms, I was too scared to post them before. I believe in jinxing.

1dp5dt - nothing
2dp5dt - nothing, started getting discouraged
3dp5dt - twinging in my right side, and what I call "coo.ch shooters". Vaginal pains. Quick, sharp, semi-painful.
4dp5dt - less symptoms, was worried - did have creamy CM though I noticed
5dp5dt - a LITTLE more twinging same side, more vaginal pains, but not exactly the same as before. More of a pulsating, not too painful, but enough it was annoying
6dp5dt - A little more twinging, kind of had a "yuck" feeling.
7dp5dt - more of the "yuck" feeling, but that's about it.

There you have it. I am attempting a 3rd pregnancy. I am scared shitless, yet hopeful.
I can only take it one day at a time now. Last time I said I was not going to get excited or too attached, but after seeing the heartbeat at 8 weeks who wouldn't?
This time I dont know what I should do. I guess I'll wait til I find out my betas, which is scheduled for this weekend at some point.

Agh.

My Inside POAS Ho is Trying to Escape

2007-10-10T18:21:00.000-04:00

Today was tough. I am 6dp5dt. Technically I'm far along enough to see some results. Or be disappointed and hopeless with a BFN. I did have a dream last night I was holding a pee stick. My hand must have had urine on it because the test activated...and it was a blazing BFP. Oh please let that be TRUE!

A lot of people chronicle their symptoms. I'm too scared to. I'm too scared I'm making them up.
I almost went to Walmart today to pick up a test, but I resisted. Then when I was getting gas after work, I thought I would get a test. Luckily I would've had to drive to the other side of town and I wasn't in the mood. So I escaped that one.
When I got home, my husband was convinced I bought some tests. I assured him I was strong (even though I know I am oh so weak).
When he wasnt around, I went in the bathroom, looked in my pee stick cupboard to see if there was some old internet cheapie hiding somewhere. Nothing. Damn. That was close.

Must.Wait.
Still aiming for Friday...but don't be surprised if I cave tomorrow.
I'm so weak.

Is it Thursday Yet?

2007-10-06T08:34:00.000-04:00

I think I'm testing Thursday. Maybe Friday. Friday would be better. Just in case it's bad news. I have the weekend to cry it out.

Anyway, I am a bad blogger. I forgot to tell you how many frozens I had. After transfer, the embryologist came back in and told us 3 were in the freezer. They were decent quality, not perfect. Nonetheless, I have three which is more than I got last time.

I am only 2dp5dt, so not much to report.
Does anyone here know the advantages of doing PIO shots twice daily vs. once daily?

I'm Good At Being Lazy!

2007-10-04T19:45:00.000-04:00

I'm backkkkkkkkkk. Just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I have so many more of those in my system the next 3 days!

So when I first got there I was told I had two good ones, a 4AB and a 4AB. I was disappointed because last time I think I had a 4AA and a 4AA and one was hatching on it's own.
But an hour later when they put them in they were both 5AAs. And both hatching...
Transfer went smooth.
These just have to take, they have to!

Time To Meet My Babies!

2007-10-04T08:42:00.001-04:00

Today's the big day. Transfer! Time is going way too fast. I still have hope at this point. I don' t know the status of my embabies. I got a call from the doctor 2 days ago and he said they were fine, some "fair" some "good". I'm so afraid to see what they are like today. If there are 2 good ones and 1 fair one, and that is it, I'll tell him to throw them all in.

So most people that know me have finally come to realize I am semi-psychic. I will say "Wow, that server hasn't gone down in a LONG TIME". Give it a couple hours, and it happens. Or if I say "My worst fear is that person A gets pregnant and I get a BFN this month". It happens. So I am trying something new. I'm going to try this in a different way.

I am so scared that with this IVF I will actually end up pregnant and end up with a healthy baby. That is the scariest outcome imagineable.

On that note, I hope transfer goes well. I'll post an update after I get back!

Fert Report #1

2007-10-01T08:34:00.001-04:00

The doc called. Of the 26 eggs that made it, 21 fertilized. This time they ICSI'ed them all instead of throwing half in the dish, and half ICSI. So I hope this helps me get some frozens.
Doc said they wouldn't be checking them today, but I'll hear tomorrow.
At least I only have a three day week this week (5dt on Thursday).
I cant believe in a few days I'll be agonizing in the 2ww. Shoot me now!

Had my sister's shower yesterday. It was a success for the most part. Just glad it's over. Found out my cousin and his wife are TTC. I'd be willing to put 100 bucks down, that they'll be pregnant by thanksgiving.
That's just the perk you get when you *know* me. Conception = easy!

I'm a Freak of Nature

2007-09-29T17:59:00.000-04:00

31 eggs. 5 more than last time. I thought by dropping down to 150 units of follis.tim, I would not produce so many. So much for that theory.

Today went well overall, besides for my hyper-producing ovaries. I had the BEST anestheti.st in the WORLD! He tried two spots and I didn't feel a single thing. Easiest IVs ever. I stayed awake during the retrieval and found it quite relaxing.
When I got wheeled back to the other room, I expected to start cramping like last time. But I didn't. I feel fine. My midsection is sore, but nothing like last time.

I just got a call from the embryol.ogist. 26 were ICSI'ed. 5 of the 31 were not good eggs. So I'll find out tomorrow how many actually fertilized. Last time it was 19, and I had no frozens. We'll see if this time is any better.

I took a 4 hour nap today. I love that I have an excuse to nap.
Thanks for the good luck everyone. Tomorrow is my sister's bab.y showe.r and I'm so glad I'm still in the phase of IVF where I have hope. Otherwise it would be tough!

ER Fun

2007-09-26T19:11:00.000-04:00

Well, looks like I'm getting my wish. Re.trieval is on Saturday morning, just like I was hoping for! That means transfer will be Thur, meaning I have a 4 day weekend (of sitting on my butt for bed/co.uch rest). No one will be the wiser at work. Plus with ER being on Saturday I dont have to waste a day of vacation.

So my estrogen was somewhere in the 3000s today. He did notice that my left ovary didnt produce too many follicles, especially when compared to my right. He said that happens often in young woman. Why, I don't know. Am I concerned? Not yet. I'm hoping for 15 eggs. Great quality ones of course. They are ICSI'ing all of them this time, thankfully. I so want a chance at frozens. Not just one either, 3 at least. I'm so greedy, aren't I? It's the least I could get after now spending $25,000. Boy I hate typing that out. But it's just money as DH says. We're rolling in it over here, so why not! (I kid, totally, I wish I had xtra to roll around in, because I totally would!).

Trigger at 11pm tomorrow night. Sex (On a Thursday? It's gonna be forced, my favorite!). Dou.che (doctor's orders) Friday night. ER not until 9am, that's a good time.

I can't believe I'm doing this again. I must be crazy.

Getting Closer

2007-09-24T18:15:00.001-04:00

Well, I'm another few days closer to my favorite part of IVF (ER!!) I am on day 6 of stims tonight, and according to my scan I'm doing good, and my estrogen is like 974 or something. Nurse claims its good.
So doc says ER will be Fri Sat or Sun. Sunday is my sister's shower so I'm hoping it lands on Saturday. I'll have my fav nurse that weekend, so ER could potentially be "fun". I remember last ER, DH and I were all about going out to eat after, maybe catching a movie. Oh how naive I was back then :)
Now I know I'll wake from anesthesia begging for more pain meds through the IV. Can't wait.
So I guess I wont be making it to 10 days of stims. Most likely it will be 8 or 9. Slow and steady wins the race, but I cant go slow and steady for some reason.

I must say you have to get creative when hiding an IVF cycle. Went to a friends house this weekend and knew that at 7pm and 8pm Id have to do some injections. The first time at 7, when no one was looking I grabbed my purse on the way to the bathroom. I did my lupron with no problem, and when I went out of the bathroom I put my purse in a room nearby. Next at 8, I walked down the hall and no one could see me grab my purse. Brilliant! This time it took longer since I had to mix the repro.nex and then do the follistim. They probably thought I was taking a dump but no one questioned me.
Now tonight I face the same issue, except this person's house is MUCH smaller. To save time and the sound of wrappers being unwrapped, I took all needles out of their packages (they have caps on of course). Got everything in my handy dandy follistim pen case. Problem is, I have no clue how I am going to get these meds into the bathroom without being seen...
Okay, just thought of something while typing. I'll walk into the living room where my purse is, and just hide the needles in my pocket and walk to the bathroom. Ill just say I'm getting my chapstick or something.
She might think it's odd I have to piss twice while there (we get together and k.nit). I never have to go when I'm there.

Ok enough rambling. ER here we come (in a few days).

Day 3 of Stims - So far so good!

2007-09-21T20:16:00.000-04:00

So had an appointment today ... follies are looking nice. But they did last time too. Ive pretty much decided that I'm the ideal IVF patient. I'm a good stimmer, I don't react to meds very easily (as in bad reactions), my body lets embryos implant, etc. Yet the end result is never good.
The doc said I have a good shot at this working, better than last time, but thats in terms of getting pregnant which we all know isnt the same as staying pregnant. I'm deathly afraid of being pregnant again, because after this it's onto adoption which is going to be scary in it's own right.

Just had ac.upuncture, and for the 3rd time, left with a needle in between my boobs. Gotta love it!

I am headed right for having ER on my sister's baby shower day. That is going to be one uncomfortable shower since I'm running the show. I ask the IVF Gods to push the ER to one day after.

IVF #2 - Here we go again!

2007-09-17T18:21:00.000-04:00

Well tomorrow is day 3 of my cycle, meaning I have an ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning to make sure things are looking good. My estra.diol should be <40, I hope. I got stuck on this part last time, but I started on 20 units of lup.ron right away and was on b/c, so the nurse thinks I should be good to go.
If so, I start the follistim and repronex tomorrow night.
I cant believe I'm doing this again. When I think back to the last cycle, it seems like forever ago. The whole pregnancy seems like a big dream.

I've been pretty hopeful of late, until I got something evil in the mail yesterday. It was a ba.by shower invitation for a girl at work. THE girl who got pregnant a week after me. The girl who is STILL pregnant and I'm NOT! Everyday I look at her and I think "I should be pregnant too", and only one week ahead of her.
It hurts. SO the shower is a couple days after when my last beta would be (if I got multiple betas that is). Either I'll be secretly excited and will enjoy her shower because I know I'm pregnant, OR I will have gotten bad news and it will be absolute torture.
I just knew when I found out she was pregnant, that I would miscarry. It was the worst possible fate I could have endured, and it happened. Unbelievable. Please dont let this evil baby shower screw with me getting my very much deserved BFP!

Stimming coming soon!

2007-09-09T22:35:00.001-04:00

I am such a putz. Doing my lupron today, and of course I think I am a registered nurse and think I can do this stuff faster than the speed of light. So I end up pricking my finger twice with my needle. How pathetic!
I need to take my damn time.

So Tuesday is my last pill. I pray my period takes 3 or 4 days (preferably 4) to arrive. My sister's shower is Sept 30th so I have only a few days of leeway here. I absolutely cannot have my ET on that day! So my period is not allowed to come til Friday or Saturday. And still my stimming has to go more than 8 days this time.
Please let this timing work out!

Before I forget, Bonnie, I found my way to your blog. Looks like I have some catching up to do. And Platinum Rose, can I have access to yours? I always click on your name to see your blog and I get denied everytime :)

Just got done watching Brit at the VMAs. Wow, that was...just....bad.

One Year Ago Today

2007-08-31T17:02:00.000-04:00

So one year ago today I went on a week's vacation. Started out camping with my college friends and after 3 days of that we went to Mackina.c I.sland just me and the DH. While camping, my good friend announced she was almost done with her last pack of pills and would start trying. Naturally, my competitiveness kicked in, and I figured it would take them a few months, and it would happen for us shortly. Naturally, a few weeks later she was pregnant, and I wasn't.
Last year at this time I was on round 6 of clomid or so, still hopeful that it would do the trick. I figured if that didn't work out, there were clomid IUIs, or injectible IUIs. At least there was SOMETHING.
I'm at the end of what is possible. That's what scares the pants off me. Its IVF or bust.
I am more than excited and willing to adopt, but not being able to biologically carry a child will always stick with me. I will always be bitter towards women that didn't have fertility issues. I hate to even say it, but it's true. It's not that I intentionally want to despise anyone, but it does irk me and always will, even if I do carry a child to term.
Last year at this time I would have never thought I'd be where I am in my TTC journey.
I didn't know a single THING about IVF quite honestly. Anytime I ran across it online I'd look the other way. Because if I didn't see it or read about it, it didn't exist and I'd never need to go that route.
I always look back in time and envy the innocent version of me.
I can't believe how much can change in a couple of years.
8 rounds of clomid, 1 IVF, 2 miscarriages. Blows.
This little part of me thinks if this IVF doesn't work, I should really start searching for the miracle cure. I'll go on some crazy diet eating grass, as will DH, and our bodies will naturally figure things out.
Maybe.
Of course i'm already planning out the "IF I get pregnant this IVF, id be due in June" and I think "Oh, so that means, at my work Xmas party, I'll be 3 months along, still hiding it, and will have to come up with reasons why I'm not drinking".
Why do I torture myself with those things? Seriously!

So anyway, I had my re-training on injections today. In my comments, Bonnie, you commented on the bad reaction to repronex. I will have to see what happens, I'm a little nervous. Hoping my body likes it enough to not cause problems.

I started my acupuc.ture again, and to answer Bonnie's question...what do I think of it...
I'm not quite sure. I just did it on Tuesday I think it was, and my a.cu.puncturist said my skin turned red around the needles, so it must be working.
Call me stupid, but if I put any sort of needle in my skin, wouldn't it turn red? I think I'm going to have to experiment.
Honestly though, since that day, I have been super relaxed...My last post I was real bitchy and annoyed with my sister, her shower, life in general, but I've been good all week.
Feeling good about this cycle, just looking forward to getting started. Lupr.on starts Tuesday!

I Suck At Blogging

2007-08-26T08:59:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I suck so much at this blogging thing. I feel so uninspired to write while I'm not active in a cycle. Technically I am I guess you could say. I have 2 more weeks of b/c to go, Sept 4th I start my lupron. Retrieval will fall on either the day of my sister's baby shower which I am throwing or the day before, so that will be fun. I'm hiding this cycle from almost everyone besides my sisters and parents, so I cant let them know I'll be feeling like ass. I remember my last ER, that was the worst part of the whole process, even worse than the 2ww! I was in quite a bit of pain afterwards and the following week. My ET is going to be around Oct 4th.
This is all coming up pretty fast. I gotta get scheduled for some acupuncture too. I cant say I love it, but I did it last time and got a BFP so we're sticking to the same regimend.

The only thing we're doing different this cycle is repronex. RE said it couldn't hurt. I wanted to keep my cycle as close to my last one since it "worked". But I am willing to try this. I would love to have some frozens to fall back on if this ones a BFN or if this ones a BFP I would have some hope in the future of conceiving with those.
I'm also on a baby aspirin a day, which makes me mad because I was not told to do that last time. I had done it during my last few clomid cycles because the internet told me to do so. I just wonder if my outcome would have been differently last time if I had done that.
I fell into the stat of "10% of miscarriages have no explanation". I am so sick of falling into these minority percentages. How can one person be so unlucky?

So against my better judgement yesterday, DH and I went to the count.y fa.ir. Big mistake. I have never seen so many pregnant people in my life. Of course they are all trash, because trash cant be infertile. Would love to hear God explain this one. He can give a trashy family 10 kids but a family of good persons such as DH and I, nothing.

Basically I hear about my sister's pregnancy constantly while I'm not at work and while I'm at work via email. She is always complaining about her hear.t.bur.n and the bab.y kick.in'. Then at work the girl that got pregnant a week after me is constantly talking about it too. I was pretty pissed off last week. She said in such an excited yet evil tone, that I should try getting pregnant so that I can be due at the end of a year so I can use vacation from both years. I almost jumped over my desk and choked her. I said "I did try that, remember"? Unfortunately that baby didn't stick around. I know she said it to be evil too, but she does them in non-evil ways so the average human can't detect her evilness.

I am thinking if this next cycle is a BFN, we will do one more in the beginning of the year. If its a BFP and I miscarry, we are done. A person can only take so many miscarriages and failures in general.
I am not daunted by the prospect of adoption. Well that might be a little lie but I feel I've read up enough to know what to expect.
I'm just worried because DH and I both work full time and we wouldn't leave our jobs. Being in our field, its almost impossible to get back in once you leave.
So I dont know if anyone would pick us.

Well that's enough rambling. I've sure seen a lot of BFPs lately. I think this next 2ww is going to be hard. The last one for my IVF, I didnt really know what to expect. I had a few symptoms but if I dont have those in this 2ww, I will freak.

WTF FLO!

2007-08-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

Damn her to hell! I went through 3 weeks of annoying spotting, never to get AF. So I took provera, last pill on Friday. With the nurse last week we mapped out my future IVF cycle. I predicted I'd get my period today. Sure enough around 10am, I was bleeding quite a bit. I called and scheduled my fsh/estradiol bloodwork for tomorrow. Wouldnt you know she disappeared. I was told last week though that if I have any bit of spotting after the provera to count it as day 1, since we dont know how much lining I may have built up since the m/c.
So I'm going with it. It just makes me nervous.
Sunday I start the pill. I didnt do the b/c pill last time, but with my doctor being gone for a week next month and Oct. and me needing to be at my sister's baby shower, this was the best option. I'm just nervous that AF is screwing with me and my tests and starting the pill will be fubared. Argh.

Not much new here. My sister is driving me nuts with planning her bab.y showe.r. I would be happy just to have one, but hers has to be perfect and she is planning it all even though I'm in charge.
Poop.

IVF #2, Tweaked

2007-08-01T21:51:00.000-04:00

Met with the doc today. First meet up since my m/c. We are going to do IVF again...
This time we will lower the follisti.m dosage and add repronex, hoping to get better quality eggs.
Hoping for some frozens this time!
I cant believe I'm going to spend another 13k. Puke.
As it looks, ET will fall around Oct. 4th. We had to schedule around my doctor's schedule as he has a conference, and I had to try and avoid my sister's ba.by shower on Sept. 30th.

So then I go back to work, get a call from the hubby, and he tells me one of our cats is missing. We looked for over an hour. Finally he came crawling out from the basement ceiling. We had our siding tore off today so there was lots of hammering.

Can't believe that about the bridge collapsing in MN! I have a bridge complex, and get so nervous driving over them. Now there something to back that up!

Thanks to everyone who reads this and comments. I always love reading the comments :)

Fuming

2007-07-23T20:11:00.001-04:00

I am still spotting everyday for about an hour, always around 10am. This has been going on for over 3 weeks. Ack. Only 8 or 9 more days til my appointment.

Ok, so I am pretty ticked right now. I think in a previous post I referenced a blog that I secretly read. It's my cousin's girlfriend. She doesn't want kids and desperately wants her tubes tied at age 26. Well, she has made references about his relatives before, and pissed us all off (there are quite a few of us who read her blog).
SO anyway, my cousin's cat is very sick. So she commented on one of his cousins that "wasted $20,000 on an in-vitro that didn't even work", yet his relatives say to put the cat to sleep. That bitch. It fucking worked, I miscarried. Anyway, she has said shit about us before because she thinks she is so superior. We are all not saying anything, just so we can see what she really thinks about us. Well its working. Anyway, I had to vent.
And I love my cats more than anything so I'm not sure who in my family is saying to put it to sleep but it's not me. Ugh, she works at my vet's clinic too. She better hope I dont have to go there for a VERY long time.

Re-reading the ol' blog

2007-07-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

Do you bloggers ever go back and read your blog from scratch? I've done it a few times now.
It's so sad, because I read at 9w2d, I had a dream I miscarried and was so relieved I didn't. Well turns out my scan a week later showed baby had made it to 9w2d before dying. Coinicidence I think not.
I also sounded so positive before the BFP and eventual miscarriage.
I have become a goddamn Bitter Betty. I keep saying my attitude will change once I'm starting the process again. But now I'm freaking out about my ET and bed rest days falling on my sister's baby shower than I am planning/hosting!!!
(Just what I want to be doing at this juncture in life, right?)
I never did get AF, it was just a teaser, but I should be getting it today or tomorrow...temps have dropped (it's so nice not to temp, but just temp once in awhile to see if its a "post-o", "pre-o", "af is coming" type temp).
This is how I see it.
Get AF tomorrow. I am going to try one more round of clomid for fun. That means I'll get my period w/o needing provera. So that puts me at August 8th or so for starting the 1st month of theIVF process.
Month 2 will start September 15th or so (I'll need provera to bring that period on). They will probably retrieve my eggs like 14 days after that...Then they will sit in a dish for 5 days. Okay, I guess that kind of works out then...Mid-october I should find out if it worked or not.

Sorry I had to lay it out like that. I'm so paranoid it might interfere with my sister's shower. She is having a baby boy. I come from a family of three 3 girls, and we have one niece on my side...So this is the first baby boy. I can't wait!

AF has arrived...

2007-07-01T13:11:00.000-04:00

which means nothing.
EXCEPT that I can chart out when my next IVF will be.
I was really thinking it'd be August for some reason, but it won't be. I can't even get in to see my RE til August 1st which pisses me off. I paid how much to his clinic and I have to wait a month before we can discuss my options? Duh, it's IVF or nothing, and why change the protocol, it WORKED. My body just wont cooperate and carry a baby.
So far every single test has come back fine. They did the immunlogical workup....no blood clotting issues, no immune issues, nada.
So it's just bad luck I guess.

Because my period wont come on its own (except for today) I have to use progesterone to bring my period on to get started on month 1 of IVF (lupron) and then to go to month 2 (stimming). This means from the day I start progesterone, it takes about 13-14 days to get my period. Times that by two and that's an extra MONTH! So needless to say, egg retrieval and transfer would be mid-october...
That seems like EONS away.
It will be especially hard if I get a BFN because my sister will soon be having her baby shortly after that.
It would be my luck for AF to arrive the day she gives birth.
My theme seems to be "add insult to injury" lately.

Well, I thought I should post just in case anyone ever reads this :)
I'm thinking about closing shop, because frankly, I'm not that interesting in the world of IF. But if it helps to keep me here, so that you not pregos are reminded that more than just you is left sans baby, I will stay right here :)
That's how I feel right now anyway, I think I am about the last person not prego. Frustrating!

Test Results

2007-06-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

Well the chromosomal analysis showed nothing was wrong. Next Monday when I do my final HCG check (I hope) they will do the immunological workup on me. A big part of me wants them to find something, so there's something to fix.
But I know it will come back fine.
So then we just roll the die once more and pray this is it. Time is moving so slow. At this rate I wont be doing anything IVF related til September which is fine. I am trying to get back into my workout routine and have been doing well so far.

Minus the Pizza H.ut I just had.

HCG Down To 0

2007-06-11T19:35:00.000-04:00

Not.

What the hell, it is still 17. This sucks! Why can't this just be overwith already??

So this weekend I had a LOT of time to research adoption. I read an idiots guide book, an insiders book, and a book written my adoptive parents. All very informative.
I am excited at the prospect of adopting but also scared that I will never fully get over our struggles with IF.
But DH and I say one more IVF and that's it. We haven't even gotten the chromsomes test back yet so we still don't know why I miscarried.
Guess we shouldn't assume we're doing another IVF. If it comes down to Donor Egg or Donor Sperm, we are moving onto adoption. I admire the women who are willing to use another's eggs, or a man who is willing to use someone else's sperm. But it's not for us.

I hope one day this all makes sense but as of right now, it just plain ol' sucks.

Having one of those days where I just feel bitter. I prefer the days where I'm full of hope, but today is not one of them.

Thanks for listening to me bitch, again. :)

Post-Op

2007-06-04T22:27:00.000-04:00

HCG down to 39.5 - I'll take it.

He said the chromosomal tests are not back yet, but as soon as they are he will call me. So I don't know what our future holds just yet.

I started working out again last week. I just about died today.
Damn I hate working out. But I got 15 lbs. to lose, and I need to fast. I have nothing to wear this summer on my bottoms :(

Kno.cked Up

2007-06-02T17:16:00.001-04:00

No, not me of course. The movie! Because I am subject to pregnant women everyday, what could a movie throwing it in my face possibly do? Not much.

I must say, I LOVED this movie. Probably not the #1 movie choice for an infertile couple. Everytime something happened in the movie that resembled DH and I during our pregnancy, we'd give each other this sad look.
Like when she POAS (it makes me taking 9 tests look lazy), or when she got her "What to Expect When You're Expec.ting" book...or when she got to see the baby at 8 weeks on the ultrasound. That was hard.
But the hilariousness more than made up for it. Go see it, subject yourself to the torture. I think it actually helps.

Other than that, I am still clueless on the results of the fetus. Got my post-op Monday...Dont know if I will see the doc or not.
The results still are not in, and will probably take another 2 weeks. So I dont think we can really make any future plans.

So that's where I stand, and quite honestly, it's nice just living life again.
Hopped back onto the weight loss wagon, hoping to lose this extra 15 I put on in the last few months.

Having A Sad Day

2007-05-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

Everyone keeps saying that I'm strong. I'd like to believe that, but I don't.
Today I'm having a sad day. I just started thinking about things, and I got sad.
I dreaded going to work today because I didn't want to see the person that is a week behind what my due date was. She gets her first ultrasound this week. This means I'll have to see the picture. The picture that should have closely resembled my ultrasound picture that would have been this week.
Puts tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

I was fine most of the weekend, probably because I was so busy I didn't have time to think.
I hate having time to think.

Post op appointment is next Monday...not sure if it's just a HCG check and maybe a quick gyno type exam, and thats it. Or if I'll talk to the doctor about future plans. Probably not since I wont have the results from the fetus.

Time is moving so slow.
The weird thing is, sometimes I still try telling myself this is just a bad dream and eventually I'll wake up.

Feeling Good

2007-05-26T08:50:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone!

Just to update...I did go back to work on Tuesday and the support I got was overwhelming. I knew I worked with great people, but wow. I've had a lot of time to think in the last week and a half. We don't know what the results of the fetus are yet, nor have I had my post op yet...but we are thinking we will do one more IVF/ICSI. I would really like to try some IUIs, but from what I am reading, 3% morphology isn't much to work with.

Ok I had this post written out and there is some bug in this program because my post disappeared and was cut in half. I don't even remember what I had posted.
Annoying!

Starting Over

2007-05-21T19:50:00.000-04:00

Well, had the D&C today. It went fine I suppose. Had a bitch nurse I didn't care for too much. I got used to my RE's nurses who are so compassionate. This bitch acted like I was a nuisance. She of course couldn't get the IV in because no one can. They always have to get the pros.

I did have a very hot nurse anesthetist. Wow. Told DH I was hoping to fight the sedation so I could have some eye candy during the procedure.
But once again, I was out like a light. I just love how one second you're awake and the next time you open your eyes you're done.

My crotch has felt like it's been on fire all day. I did pass a big clot before. The doctor said it's bad to scrape everything out so stuff does get left in but is to pass naturally.
I have had not a single cramp so I can't complain.
I was planning on going back to work Wed. but I'll go back tomorrow. It's going to be hard, because too many people knew. Either they will tip toe around me, or not realize I miscarried, and ask me about the baby.

My sister finds out the sex of her child in 3-4 weeks. I can't wait. I'm so happy our family is still getting a baby come the holidays.
Of course it will be hard, because we had big plans together. But, apparently this wasn't meant to be.
I know God has a plan, but I hate not knowing what it is.

It's Almost Over...

2007-05-18T12:38:00.000-04:00

Labs sucked today. D&C scheduled for Monday at 8am. I am just relieved I will be able to put this behind me.

So I'm really thinking about torturing myself with ONE more IVF (remember no insurance for this crap in WI so we will be screwed financially after this) and if that doesn't work, start looking into adoption for next year when I can re-flex.

My sister feels like she can't talk to me about her pregnancy anymore. I told her she can, but she can't complain like usual.

Why is nothing on TV when I take days off? You'd think with 100 channels, SOMETHING would be on.

I got 3 books about adoption today. Two that are very informative with the process, guidelines, etc, and then one that is stories written from parents that adopted.
I'm excited to start reading them.

Oh yeah, I had the most cruelest of dreams last night. I gave birth to THE most beautiful twin girls in the world. I loved them SO much and was so sad when I woke up.
Ack.

I still cant believe a few days ago everything was great.

Fuck (and a nice poem)

2007-05-17T10:01:00.000-04:00

I don't know what else to say. Fuck Fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK. I woke up this morning, and thought just MAYBE this had been a nightmare. But my eyes felt puffy, and I knew this was for real.

I am carrying a dead baby around. Last year when I miscarried, I had blighted ovums, and I convinced myself a baby never formed, so I was okay carrying them around between ultrasounds. But this time I had a heartbeat. I had a little baby with forming limbs. And now it's dead. I know it's not my fault, and probably genetic, but I can't help but think maybe it's the way I slept. I didn't eat healthy enough. I didn't get enough exercise, because I was being too cautious. I was too stressed out at work.

I am mad at everyone that told me not to stress out. Fuck all of them. I actually stopped stressing out after I saw a heartbeat, and look what happened.

How am I going to go back to work? I had a dream the girl at work who is due one week after me, came up to me and talked about her pregnancy. I blew up at her and told to shut the fuck up. I might just do that in real life. I'm going to tell her straight up to not bring hers up until I tell her I'm ready.

I am happy for my sister that she will most likely carry her baby to term. My family will still have a newborn family addition in November. I hate that my mom feels less excited about hers now. I don' t want that to be the case, I want everyone to be excited and forget about my issues.

You know, I always did have this feeling I'd have trouble conceiving. Of course I managed to pick a husband with low morphology too. I sure know how to pick em.
Put two people together with fertility issues, and what do you have? No baby.

I have three choices at this point.
1) Give up on having a biological child. I'm too scared to get pregnant again. I really think genetically DH and I don't mesh.
2) Adopt. I'm all for adoption, but the more and more I read, the more scared I get, and the more I realize this could be even more emotionally taxing than anything we've been through
3) Try one more IVF. Then if that doesn't work, move on.

I wish I could just quit my job and spend full time emotionally recovering and figuring out my future.

I just read this poem and started bawling of course.

Child
A tiny life is growing
Inside a cosy place
His arms and legs are flailing
A smile is on his face.
His mother feels a tiny kick
Upon her rounded tummy
And waits impatiently for the day
When she becomes a Mummy.
The baby’s smile is fading
But his eyes are open wide
He knows that he’ll be leaving soon
But will never see outside.
There aren’t so many kicks now
In fact there’s none at all
Gran says that baby’s sleeping
And keeps knitting up his shawl.
His life is draining quickly
But no-one knows a thing
A tiny smile fleets his face
When he hears his Mother sing.
He knows that he’ll remember her
And the things he heard her say
Peacefully and happily
The baby drifts away.
Mummy knows that something’s wrong
And is at the clinic before too long
A scan is done and
Doctor says “I’m sorry, baby’s gone”.
The grief is overwhelming
The sadness takes its toll
Friends and family gather round
As he’s buried in his shawl.
As time goes by and lapses on
His Mother sheds a tear
And hears these words inside her head
“Mum I’m always here, I’ll never ever leave you
Although you may not know I’ll be beside you every day
Through laughter, joy and woe.
You’ll never need to miss me
For I am in your heart
And though we’re in two different worlds
We’ll never be apart”.

I don't even know what to put here

2007-05-16T09:31:00.000-04:00

Baby had no heartbeat...measuring a week behind...
This pregnancy is over. I know it's nothing I did.
But why, why is this happening to us again? I have to accept that God doesn't think we deserve to be parents. Yet I know we'd be wonderful parents.

I don't even know how to function at this point. When will I stop crying? First miscarriage was hard enough, but the second one is harder, especially since I thought I was almost out of the danger zone. But of course in the back of my head I knew something could still go very wrong. I let myself get too attached. I told too many people. Tons more just found out last night. I don't know how to get the word out, because I know there will be people still thinking I'm pregnant months down the road.

I'm still hoping this is just one big nightmare. I keep looking around me to see if things seem "right", hoping to see something that will make me realize that I'm about to wake up.
But the longer I'm in this nightmare, I realize I'm not waking up. This is for real.

I cant believe it.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T09:51:00.000-04:00

Well, supposedly this is my last Mother's day sans child. Holy crap, my kid will be 5 months old a year from now. Weird. I still have a hard time believing this is all going to work out. I wish Wednesday would hurry up. I know I already had my 8 wk u/s but I want my 10 wk. I'm still not convinced. Still no symptoms. I quite honestly feel better than ever, and that scares me.
DH got me a happy mom-to-be card and of course I cried. I wasn't expecting it. DH doesn't do things like that. I cant imagine now, after making it to week 10 (in 2 days) that this could all blow up in my face. I can't imagine it, but yet I'm still cautious.

So yesterday was my cousin's wedding. Had a great time! I sat with my 2 sisters, their s/o's, my parents, and my 4 yr old niece. My family is not high class by any means. We cringed when they put the salad in front of us. We prefer iceberg over weeds. I think DH ate his after dousing it in dressing, and my dad did the same, but the rest of us just stared at it.
I dislike romaine and anything that looks like the weeds I picked last weekend.
The steak was ......just unedible. I was expecting a steak. I'm not sure what it was. My DH said its the texture of prime rib but Ive never had prime rib so I don't know. But I couldn't handle it and after one piece gave it to DH. It was so small too. How can they charge $19.95 for this? The mashed potatoes was the tinest scoop imaginable. And of course the veggies, no one ate my table at them either. We are horrible. My older sister did the smart thing and had the kids meal.
I feel so bad because everyone always loves these meals and I just look forward to cake. I did get my uncle's piece, so all in all it worked out. I prefer family style or plain ol' buffet where I can pick my own food and portions!

At one point...I sniffed and smelled crap. I didnt think anything of it, not sure why, guess I'm used to that smell with my gas. Then I find out from my uncle, that my great uncle went to the bathroom and crapped the whole way there...He is like 86 or so...he was so humiliated and had someone take him home after that. Ugh, I want to cry just thinking about it. I hate the thought of being old....

Other than that, I had quite a few comments of "oh my, you're showing!!". It's rather embarassing because I am not sure if I am.... I have seen this baby bump before when I was NOT pregnant. But I go along with it, just in case things don't work out, at least I got to enjoy showing off my baby belly, even if it is just fat rolls.
My mom took one look and said "its a boy!". She claims she is always right. I was already 95% sure it would be a boy because doing ICSI gives us a 70% of having one (or so I read), and I just haven't pictured me having a girl. There were the two cutest boys at the wedding. My sister who is 14 weeks pregnant and I kept saying "that could be our two boys next year". Little sweater vests, shirts and ties? Damn cute.

OK enough rambling. 3 more days til ultrasound......Does anyone know when I'll be able to HEAR the heartbeat and not just see it?

An Update? What's that?

2007-05-10T19:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have been MIA lately. Not too much goes on in my boring life.

Let's see, I'm 9w2 days today. Still my only symptom is an increase in burping, and sure, a little gas out the back too that is sometimes hard to control.
But that is about it.

Only 6 more days til Wednesday's ultrasound. Please oh please let there be a little heartbeat again. I hope this time it looks like more than a blob. If everything goes well, I'll only have one more appointment left at my clinic which makes me so sad. They've been through this with me every step of the way, and I feel so comfortable with the staff. Damn.

I had a dream last night I went potty and when I wiped there was blood, complete with blood clots. I am pretty good at determining when I'm dreaming in my dreams. So I started going through my routine of shaking my head, pinching myself, etc...but I realized this was REAL. Finally I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Whew.
I also dreamt DH was pregnant. Nothing seemed odd about it, it was just neat to know we were going to have babies around the same time. Only if men could get prego, we could take turns!

I have my cousins wedding this weekend. I bought a cute shirt today. It was hard to determine if it was dark brown in parts of it or black. I assumed dark brown and prayed that my dark brown pants would fit, because they had been tight the last time I wore them a month ago.
I got home, tried them on, and WOW...snug in the butt...bigtime snug...but they will have to do.
The shirt I got is kind of long and might cover my ass. I think this might be the last time I wear these pants. Probably forever. I am already assuming I'll be the fattest pregnant lady on earth. My diet has been horrendous lately. I just finished my Pizza Hut stuffed crust leftovers.
So damn good.

Birthday Paranoia

2007-05-03T08:29:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to me! The big 2-7. Staring next year I'm going backwards. 26 still seemed young, but now 27 is inching towards 30. Not cool! I want to stay in my 20s forever.
I'm picking up cupcakes for a birthday treat. And of course since I'm eating for two, baby gets one and I get one (or maybe two).

So I woke up this morning and laid awake while my husband showered. I wasn't burping, and then the paranoia set in. But now that I ate my cereal I've been burping constantly. Whew. Close one!
That's my only true symptom. My sister who is 12.5 weeks burps constantly and I used to think it was so gross and annoying even though it was quiet. Now I've joined the club this last week.

So now that I've seen a beating heart, I feel like I can plan for the future. I can go online to look at nursery themes. I can go into the baby section at the stores without feeling like I'm jinxing everything.

This feels good. Best.Birthday.Ever!

Holy Crappola, There's A HEARTBEAT!!!!

2007-05-02T11:30:00.000-04:00

Holy. Crap.

I was so nervous. He asks me how I am and I tell him I feel nothing. He says "dont worry about it, that's fine".
I eased up a tad. So the wand goes in and instantly he says "There's the little guy!"...I have never felt such relief. I looked at DH and gave him a smile and the doc showed me our blob in the sac. I sure wish the pic was better. My sister had one at 7.5 weeks and it was much better than this...

I have been all smiles this morning. I have a sticky bean. I might actually give birth in a few months. I might be raising a child soon. Holy moses. Next U/S two weeks from today.

After 3 months of this IVF/pregnancy stuff, I might actually be able to start enjoying myself!

8w1d - First Ultrasound Eve

2007-05-01T18:46:00.000-04:00

Holy crap. Time is going too fast. SLOW DOWN!!! I wanted tomorrow to come fast, but now that it's hours away, I want more time to be pregnant. I just cant imagine actually being told "ahh and here is the baby, measuring perfectly at 8w2d. Everything looks great, see you in two weeks!". That would be such a miracle.
Instead I picture him wanding me for what seems like an eternity. I get nervous because he's not saying anything. The look on the nurses face is sullen, she is trying to avoid eye contact with me. I start to panic. DH starts to panic. And then I'm told the bad news. Baby didn't make it.
Oh my god please dont let that scenario pan out!

I want to post my first ultrasound pic on here tomorrow. SO bad.
There are so many people online and IRL that are just as anxious as myself.
In 14 hours I'll know. Dear GOD!

7w2d - Miserable

2007-04-25T08:54:00.000-04:00

Not miserable from m/s unfortunately. I caught a horrible cold. I am so utterly miserable.
I can't imagine having to sit at work all day suffering.
I'm such a whiner.
I just knew holding my niece's kleenex this weekend was going to get me. All the handwashing in the world wasn't going to stop this.

One week til ultrasound. Scared.

6w5d

2007-04-21T11:09:00.000-04:00

Still no symptoms. Son of a...

Is it bad that I tested again last night with an internet cheapie? hehe...
I didn't want to waste time though peeing in a cup, so I held it under my urine and the whole thing got soaked. It looked like it wasn't going to work, it was such a mess.
But it eventually did and of coures I got two dark lines. But that's bad right? That might possibly be test #9. It feels like an uneven number...but I think I'm out of cheapies :(

I can't believe how fast time is flying. If everything in my ultrasound looks good, I really think this pregnancy will fly by. It seems just like yesterday I was only 4 weeks. I am still nervous for the ultrasound, it just seems odd that I don't really have any symptoms.

Why can't I just count myself as "lucky" and forget about it? Ack.

6w1d update

2007-04-17T08:52:00.000-04:00

Nothing to update...
I feel perfectly FINE dammit!!!!
I did feel some light cramping yesterday for an hour or two...so something's gotta be going on in there, right?

I still can't find people to pray for morning sickness for me. Well one friend is, but one isn't enough! Everyone says "I'm just praying you have a healthy baby". That is even better.
If someone could guarantee me this pregnancy would go fine and I'd end up with a healthy baby, I of course wouldn't want any symptoms.
Sure wouldn't mind nausea spells, just a few. Please!

2 weeks 1 day til my ultrasound. Time is actually going pretty fast!

TMI @ 2:00 a.m.

2007-04-14T17:23:00.000-04:00

Oh dear God. I woke up in the middle of the night with the most horrendous pain in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and broke out into a sweat. I thought "oh my, is this MORNING SICKNESS??" and juggled between thoughts of vomiting and going diarrhea.
TMI ahead - I finally did poop, but was still sooo sick. I laid on the ground of the bathroom using a towel as a pillow. I just knew I' d go right back if I went to the bedroom. Eventually I returned to bed, as the hard floor wasn't too pleasing on my back.
But as soon as I laid down I felt the pain come back. Ran to the bathroom and had explosive diarrhea. I have felt fine since. So it was not morning sickness, rather just a reminder I should eat better than having Cousins, Culvers, Mcdonalds, and Papa Johns all within a couple days. Not cool.

So I invaded someone's blog today. It's my cousin's girlfriend. No one in my family is exactly in love with her. She just seems stuck up and selfish. They met on the internet and she moved here to WI and they now live together. Anyway, my cousin's wife found her blog and had been reading it...so I googled it and found it today too. It's not like it was made private. So I read like a year's worth of entries. I do not like this girl! In one entry she pretty much said my sister and I were losers for wanting to have kids, and then said that my niece and my cousin's kid who were running around at Thanksgiving were "supposedly adorable according to everyone else" but she found them to be quite annoying. She repeats over and over how she hates kids.
I knew she was a bitch but yuck. Don't look forward to seeing her again.
She's lucky the feelings are mutual!
Bizitch.

Out of Beta Hell, Into The Wait for An U/S Hell

2007-04-11T08:33:00.000-04:00

This SUCKS!
3 weeks from today is my first ultrasound. I even called and got it moved up 2 days, thats the best I could do.

I'm 5w2d. I literally have no symptoms. None. I know its silly but I took an internet cheapy prego test and it was beautiful and dark, but it doesn't mean anything, but it keeps me sane.

This is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

Beta #3

2007-04-08T11:29:00.001-04:00

Oh my god longest two hours of my fucking life.
My number went from 277 to 597 so it doubled plus 43.
Now I wait til May 4th to see a heartbeat....
Please morning sickness hit me like a ton of bricks this week!!!!!

DH and I are just shaking. That 2 hour wait was worse than the 2ww!

Beta #2

2007-04-06T14:08:00.000-04:00

Well, I dont know what to think. My beta #2 only came back at 277...It didn't even double...The nurse didnt seem to think much of it but I know better.
Not doubling = not good.
I was really hoping for it to triple. Everyone else online has betas in the 1000s by now.
I was so wanting to have a good number so I could relax.

I fucking hate this.

------------

Update: I've researched this to death and it seems most doctors agree that a rise of 66% or more is promising...mine was 95%. I will now shut up and calm down til my beta on Sunday!

Beta #1

2007-04-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

Beta #1 = 143...That's solid, right?
Now I have to get through Friday.
Today was nervewracking enough.
Told the nurses to leave a message on my cell w/ the results since I wouldnt be around to answer it. They didnt and left a message to call them back. Holy freakout!
They said they wanted to give me good news over the phone instead of in voicemail.
Whew.
I was shaking.

Now I will "relax" til Friday!
Thanks for all the congrats and well wishes...This just has to work out!
I'd be due ... er shall I say "I AM DUE" December 11th. My sis is due Nov. 11th!

Oh Dear God, Here We Go Again

2007-04-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

*Gulp*

8dp5dt...

We didn't tell anyone IRL we were testing tonight...everyone knew tomorrow night.

I hate being in this "infertile couple" world because a positive test means very little...It's exciting and I have hope but I need HCG levels to obsess over to back these tests up.

And ultrasounds, lots of ultrasounds.

I had a pretty good feeling starting this afternoon, as I felt like I was about to get my period...

I knew it was a good sign.
Also had a blue vein that stood out to me in the mirror, on my booby.

Wasn't sure if it was always there or not.

Oh god I have to wait til Wed. for blood work.

Calm down calm down. It's been over a year since my D&C, and I never want to go through that again.
Please Lord, let this work out forme....please. (I hope God reads blogs)

Time is Runnin' Out

2007-04-01T21:27:00.000-04:00

Crap crap CRAP. I think I might be the only one to think this, but I wish the 2ww (10 day wait) after IVF was longer. I am 7 days past transfer and luckily have had enough on my mind to keep me from obsessing.
I am just sad because I have NO symptoms to speak. Not even a sore boob. I know it doesnt mean anything because many women don't have symptoms.
The only thing that even comes close was the minor throbbing in my left ovary from 3dpt til 5dpt. But I think that was just my ovaries recovering from mild OHSS (my diagnosis). I had a couple spells each day since Fri. of "ick my period is coming" but it was SO quick, like each episode lasted 2 minutes each and was probably all in my head.
And I've been sneezing, but I don't think thats a symptom.

So I think Tue. night I'm getting an HPT out...I'm scared. I keep thinking if it's BFN, I'll take it pretty good, but I know I won't. I wish I could get my results on a weekend...I am going to be so busy Wed. and won't be able to take a half day.
Crap.

I hate computers

2007-03-29T19:47:00.000-04:00

Well our wireless internet only works in the bedroom right now. There is no TV in here.
It's so quiet. So I can't be enjoying TV and occasionally pick up the laptop for research. Bummer.

So here I sit, in the bedroom.

I have been feeling more positive since my last post.
I have read a few positive things, such as that it doesn't matter how many embabies DIDN'T make it....if you had 10 total and only 2 were good, it doesn't matter. If you had 10 good ones, it doesn't help your chances that the two they transferred will make it.
Also read more about that assisted hatching. It must be a good thing if they purposely break that outer shell right? And mine did it on it's own so we know that's not an issue.

I wish I could report some symptoms.
Starting yesterday at 3dpt the only thing I noticed was a slight pulsing in my left ovary area...It hurt to sneeze, just in that same area.
At night I could feel that throbbing again.
But today it pretty much went away. I had some throbbing on my right side so most likely it is just my ovaries acting up, hopefully shrinking back to normal.
Other than that nada.
But from what I've read many of the women who get symptoms get BFNs and many women who get no symptoms get BFPs so I'm not putting too much stuck into symptoms.

6 more days til beta.
5 days til I test on my own.

My sister had her u/s today. I told her she was 7 weeks 3 days'ish, and the doctor said she was like 8 weeks. That was before the ultrasound, now the doctor agrees with me. My sister thinks I'm psychic but I assured her it was simple math based on her ovulation date. I told her my TTC research has practically qualified me to at least be a nurse in the fertility field!

Shit (for a different reason)

2007-03-26T16:56:00.000-04:00

Nope, no names for them. I think then I'd get too attached!

I am so emotional right now it's not even funny. I am sitting here in tears!!!!I got a call from the embryologist -none of my embryos made it to freeze. Talk about disheartening.I have been crying since. I mean how can 17 die overnight, and these two in me continue to make it? it just doesnt seem possible.

Ugh. For the first time I'm really thinking this isnt going to work. I have been nothing but positive the last month or two, and then this. I don't know how I could go through this again. I can't believe I might get nothing out of this, not even 3 frozen embabies. Was that too much to ask for?

Then my sister comes over today with good news, they saw a heartbeat, but then also tells me how she told the nurse how depressed she is about this pregnancy *yet she was trying*.
I wish she wouldnt tell me that stuff. I'd have given anything to see a heartbeat during last year's pregnancy.

And the Wait Begins!

2007-03-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the comments :) I think I'm feeling better now, still feel like I get these yawns stuck every 2 minutes but now I'm starting to think it's in my head.

Transfer was pretty unevenful. I guess both of the babies are AA quality and he used the word "textbook" which I hate, because I've ready too many stories about textbook embryos with BFNs.

I am feeling good about this though, I really am.

I now have doctor's orders to rest the next 3 days. Score. I am super good at this bedrest/laziness stuff!

Without further ado, here are my babies!

Shit

2007-03-24T08:44:00.000-04:00

Well tomorrow is ET. So today could be my last day not being pregnant!!! That would be sooo unbelievable. Except there's one little problem and I'm sort of freakin' out about it.
It's 4 days past ER and my abdomen is still quite sore. That should be expected after birthing 27 eggs, right? But I also am experiencing some difficult with deep breathing. Not just normal breathing, only when I sniffle, yawn, etc. There's a little tightness there. So I am thinking mild OHSS because I have no other symptoms. But I don't want my cycle to be cancelled.
I know I should tell my doctor...which I probably will. But I would die if this cycle ended and I had to do a frozen instead.
I entertained the idea that maybe my DH had something to do with it. For the first PIO we both panicked and he didn't draw back to see if he hit a blood vessel or anything and just injected. It kind of started happening the day after that. But is that possible that it would give me some tightening in my chest? Don't know.

*YAWN*
Ow. :(

Embaby Update

2007-03-21T19:54:00.000-04:00

Hello Reader(s)!!!

So this is the break down.
Out of the 13 they ICSI'ed yesterday, 11 are still kicking as of this morning.
Out of the rest of my eggs they fertilized the conventional way, 3 were immature, so that left 9. 8 of them fertilized!
So I have 19 embabies. Unbelievable. Now I just need prayers to keep them strong til transfer day.
My mid-section is still very sore. Now I'm hoping for a vah-jay-jay birth, because if this is even a slight picture of how I'd feel after a c-section, NO THANKS!!!

Tonight is the first PIO. Scared!!!!

Ow

2007-03-20T16:57:00.000-04:00

Today was the big retrieval day. All went well, had some issues with the IV but that was to be expected.
They got 27 eggs. Just got a call from the embryologist. I swear she looks like she is straight out of high school. I feel so old.
To spare you the details (okay, she kind of lost me)
I had 27 eggs, and they took 15 of them to ICSI....two of them ended up being immature/degenerate
So right now 13 are icsi'ed.
The rest of the of eggs they threw in a dish with DH''s sperm to see how many will do it on their own, and we will know tomorrow.
So that is all i know.
Sunday will be ET (hopefully they make it that long).

It feels like I got hit by a big frickin yellow bus :( I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I love naps.

Almost there...

2007-03-17T09:08:00.000-04:00

My last ultrasound was yesterday, so it would have been after 6 day of stims.
They claim everything is looking peachy. My follicles are measuring around 10-12mm (is that the right measurement?) right now, and I guess they are supposed to be 18? I dont know, I dont ask questions. I just listen.
So he said my retreival would be probably Tue. or Wed. Rooting for Tuesday otherwise my co-worker can't attend a very important meeting...so we both figure it will be Wed!

I am out the door in a minute for another u/s & b/w. I hope everything looks fine. Not sure how much can change in one day!

My husband just said one project we could work on today is putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. (We just got it put in last week but the honeymoon period is over.) I told him that is NOT a project, that is something that takes 1 minute and why can't he just do it.
What a tool! Like it's a woman's duty to empty it or something.

Ack.

Gotta go! Will post an update when I get back. I can't believe I'm this far already.

-----Update-----

Looks like Tuesday's egg retrieval. Holy moly, it's really happening.
That puts Saturday for transfer (hopefully), perfect!

eeeeeeeek!

2007-03-13T18:20:00.000-04:00

My ultrasound (after 3 days of follistim) showed 16 follicles.
My estrogen is 445.

I haven't done much googling. They told me this is going very well so far, but it seems like my estrogen is on the high end?
My dose is dropping to 175 IU from 250 IU. The doc seems to think I'll do 8 days of stims which puts me at Monday for retrieval and next Fri. for ET...which would be awesome!!

Bloodwork Hell

2007-03-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

Yet another day of fighting with my veins. I won't even go into details but let's just say it sucked.

I just got the call though, my estrogen is finally down to 31!!!! I start my follistim tonight, upped my dose from 225 to 250, so not sure how that will affect things.
I can also decrease my lupron down to 2.5 instead of 20 units .

I'm so excited, now I can finally get back to planning things out in my head.
Of course they wanted Tuesday at 9:45 to be my next appointment but we have DH's grandmother's funeral. They have me down for 7:45 tentatively and if that doesn't work they will call me Monday.

I'm so pumped!

I had a great night with one of my longest/closet friends. She slept over. We talked a LOT like old buds do. Her friend did IVF with my doc and got prego on the first try.
I hope I have that kind of luck.